the last squeeky hours of a year that passed away way too quick

i reckon

this year has been weird, but most of all, it went fast.
i've been working as a chef. what nice experience. it felt like i was doing hard time, but most of all worth it. worth the effort of getting sicker by the hour.

my head is now stuck on scroll. multitasking. i've not recovered since that job. but i've been very good at drinking beer and hitting the town, both for concerts and just in sheer enjoyment of getting drunk. getting there. it has all gone very fast, it has all been a blast. but i can't remember too much of it. this was the year i started losing myself, started drinking coke zero again, started eating different stupid things such as diary and eggs again, having had too much tinned tuna and having had way too little excersise these last four months or so.
having spent too much time doing nothing. getting lazy and unfit. this is the year of ups and downs, of extremes.

five festivals, at least 85 concerts. next year will be just as slick.
next year i'll become the superwoman i am.

haha! KITTYCAT. stuck in the railway

i just need a fork to jam in my eye

other

other.


otter.


iiiiiiiiiii'm confuzzed. i'll probably be just as depressed through 2012 too, i guess.

but i'll try to become a better version of myself still. keep getting fitter.

fitter happier.

but first and foremost i'll try to get better. get well. free myself from disease and become at ease instead.

fuck this, ranting is all i do.

enough now. i'll try adding some dicipline to the things i do.

happy newsyear and fuck the numbers that just keeps getting bigger.

walking around with shit on my shoes -

ah well here it comes.

my oh my. what an evening.
talk is cheap, wine is expensive.

my noggin.
eggnod.

snowy winterhills, wintergardens and springs.
fill up on it and feel

i'm stressed out and restless.

if i tilt my head i become drunk again. the world twirls.
amusementpark in the pitch dark.
greenroom and set sails.

i am my own lord, i am my own lard.

stressed out and restless, useless.

little soliders putting on pink shoes
the young girl that cries at beauty
microphones should be tiny
and i shall become an elf

memories of a faded time in your history

i'm reduced to this, starting to fade as the days grow thicker.

i keep thinking i have nothing new to offer anyone and i'm not worth recognising. if i could, i would alter my appearance after each time i ventured out in the world to seek companionship with fellow humans.

we're the same race. genepool.
it's ours. it is only 2 per cent away from a chimpanzees.
the fear of being lonely has never been bigger, i guess. we have too many social medias that tells us being alone is abnormal.

i'm sick of feeling undernourished. now when i won't allow my body to feel at ease and out of the stress i put on it by not eating enough i feel an enrichment of my inner life. but there is no way i'm able to communicate that to the others around me.

cellphones and broken bones. my heart bleeds for each time it beats. i no longer cut my nails or shave my legs. all meaning has frozen into glass as the sun that is my passion always lose heat at the end of all seconds.

longing for them moments.
you know what i mean, we no longer live in the moment that's about to pass.
parents, feed your children well with emotinal life. don't kill their curiosity just because it once killed some cats.
don't put helmets on them, don't think too much. let them climb trees and let them seek the opportunity to die a healthy death by being truely alive.

fish on the open sea, put my lentil in the pot. darkness forces the light to convince itself it's no longer needed. all alone in the place you call home, seek true passion by being ready and able.
feel up on the old things in spent lives. death has to arrive, just enjoy the time you won't spend dying. although, you're continuously taking steps towards the inevitable.
fear has too much ransom.

look at the television, it contains people. are they truely able to free you from loneliness.

i can't remember feeling more lonely than when christmas is upon this very country. this world. tellus, earth.
it's when i'm at my loneliest i feel like asking people to leave me alone. why is that. well d'oh, i'm vulnerable, constantly thinking about what i should have done instead of what i acted upon.

why is that, the moment when alcohol hits you, you can't even remotely assume how it's like to be sober? even the slightest amounts make you forget that sobriety exist.
all is not but vague ideas. christmas is the time of year i'm at my worst. worst is of course defined by what you think of it. is it my worst or is it my better? am i closer to something more real now or is the bliss of 'fake it to make it' genuine enough to let me come across as an impressive person?

reality has too many variables, and people seem to be more manic than the amount i can take. x-mas has no value anymore and next year, when i'm rich and famous, i'll spend it in another hell than this. i'll climb onto the top of the bottom of the sea and search for spirits that haunt the feeling of not fitting in.

i am my own enabler and my abilities go to such waste. the value i at some point posess is wasted on depression and feelings of not being worth even the smallest amount of effort you could possibly think of.

i just want to drink.
and shrink.
and not think.

i wish i was an intellectual.

only reading and seeking will get me there.

i'm too much alone to even keep in touch with the oldest of friends.
i'm bored but i don't admit to it.
i'm depressed and keep getting drunk in whatever manner suits my freetime best.
i have some ideas but i never develop them due to lack of confidence and too much conciousness.
i think i'm going to get better, but act upon the oposite habits.
i change for the worse and it's pleasing in its own sick way.
i'm sick of being sick and only getting sicker, but i'm nowhere near the energylevels of a cow chewing long dead grass.
only barely alive and only barely able to recognise that i'm still here.
that i still keep taking shallow breaths, that i keep hearing laughter and glance by happy faces, towards the end of all seasons i miss them the most, regretting i didn't do more out of it.

i'm just so sick of it all and i'm pretty certain i will no longer take it.

it's way passed my bedtime of eternal sleep, but still i see no real reason for taking my last shallow breath in these very moments.

i am alive but i lack the most vital nutrients for substaining life itself.

the cure against all odds.

steep hills and rotten bones.
we'll eat you alive, you won't feel a thing - numb as the asphalt around your heart.

if i make it through this, i will carve my name into the stars by changing gravity and all of natures laws, because against all odds, i picked up a fight.

no, it's not a gift. it's common sense.

i feel like a mutant that has all the wrong genes playing important parts.

i want to get smarter. extract nutrients from words, books, people and places. lectures.

feed me whatever pill you're on, if you're still alive it obviously helps.

icecold and exposed, seen through as the lies pile up like bodies after a pandemic episode

things are usually good. but they are more usually even greater when understood.

so to speak, the struggle of understanding things is well worth the effort of getting there.

this goes for all aspects in life, but understanding ones own thoughts and analysis is way easier than taking a chew on somebody elses. this translates to me thinking alot because i'm too lazy to read up on what others think.

which also means i tend towards creating my own reality to some extent. it's alot of fun for me but way confusing for others.


i've come to realise i'm not all that depressed. i'm just overly sensitive towards people i find lacking in certain areas. for instance, we have this head of mine that obviously live in another place, with other rules and other importancies than treating people politically correct and polite - my own rules have been applied and those are the ones to follow. when people stomp their way straight passed them i get seriously agitated.
this is a buirden, yes. but it is also i sign i should get out more and absorb the average reality of the people i find quite interesting. that may enhance my mindfullness, my intellect and my general understanding of the tree dimentions we usually occupy ourselves in.

the hang towards being polite and following common rules is the easiest path to follow for an easy life and a well of polite people that really like you because you're polite too. you show a common understanding for eachothers learned rules, norms and habits. it's all nice when you suddenly meet them in the mall, you always have loads to talk about because you're both polite enough to bother catching up with eachother.

well. at most times, i couldn't care less how other peoples life go. how their kid is doing or how their job is fulfilling/exhausting. how they either badmouth others with awful gossip or how they plan to travel with friends to common places with common people they'd absolutely love to catch up with.

this is the hardest thing, at times. i feel not at home here, nor there. the place i'm at home is in my own head when it pleases me with different and exhilarating thoughts and perspectives on both the weirdest and the most common things within reach of our senses.

being polite is not my thing, but i know i have to learn it.
that will be my mission.


errrr... or not. i will use this to my advantage - which of course allows me to continue being lazy.

to bring out the best in me. what is that and who does that? what does that? who is in charge and what responsibility will follow such vast assumptions?
i think i know when i'm at my best. it's called flow.
but flow and conciousness has a hard time collaborating. at least in my nutcase. at times.
at most times. at all times. slightly concious is always good. overconcious is poison.
the best in me is at rest. it lies there, waiting for that sudden moment that'll tease it towards the surface of my face. of my being.
being me.

we humans have so much freetime, in which we read what other people does with theirs.


when we were children and bored, we let our fantasy take over and played. what we do now when bored, is watching other people play. acting, you know. television.
whic also brings out a certain nostalgia in me, because i sure miss being able to spend my time inside a fantasy.


but whatever. i'm really tired and recently happened to notice i have been hungry for at least a month. or something down that road. depression. it deprives me of a healthy apetite.


one can't boil down a soup out of an empty soul.
stupidity chokes me. pardon.

ill

it had nothing to do with less. operation failed. it had to do with more.

i read in the paper, a quote from an ancient frenchman, that it does more damage to a person if you are somewhat overly kind with them rather than doing them less good.
which means it does matter how you treat people and you should not drown them in good intentions and actions. it makes sense on my behalf because kindness is addictive and it is one of the first things we take for granted in a relation.

i feel neglected by myself. in ruins. have i lost?

unable to concentrate energies and thoughts,
in severe lack of said energy.
mentions and random quotes. even talking has had me fed up now.

the simplest things become torture to my being. to me being.

nothing new, i just need to cut back on the consumption of aspartame.

easy, readily available sollutions.
it's all fiction.

you're an addict.

living in a glasshouse (she keeps all heads calm, the icemachine pays off, plentyful. do your thing)

i am pleased. somewhat.
i'm cold, hungry and depressed all of the time i spend being awake. feeling selfdestructive. the only path i know now. yes, i've spent many an hour walking up and down to that mill that is my head.
i am curious, but only when i'm half asleep. half awake. i seek this state at all costs, but it shrinks with an audience.
blissfully aware of things to come, not so much.
my hair growing longer is the only way that enables me to see what time really is, that it really does pass and haven't given up on me entirely - it still kills in the end and i long for the moment when that very end comes close enough to engulf my diseaseridden soul.
knit a buttercup, cook them all. birds are excellent builders and mushrooms cling to their tasks. i admire their courage, their spirit and mindset, their ambition and mission.
step away from the microwave and set the alarms to reset. replay. rip. tear. flare and don't care. step away, just be careful. noone cares, but be careful.

keep your head in the fridge but resent from eating. hollow despair and transparent problems. i see through the essay of your life, the stories make no sense. they come in no order, but i sort of sort them all out. stuff and stack, play with cheerful expressions. be the change you want to see and reap the benefits of good health. not anymore, noone cares, but be careful. you're a part of the gang now, you're a part of the pack. you're a part of the plan, take nothing back.

horses complain but cease to do so when under the spell of your commands. be assertive, i'm ready to swollow it all.

clash into my spirit and regret the day you became concious.
age kicks you in the face and drags you by the ear. our very existance laughs so loud and takes us nowhere new. your ticket has no value, it's all done for. complain, but be gentle. take care.

and most important of all things:
don't get any
         big ideas

boredom used to be a virtue. now it's only boring. what happened?

i want to make a t-shirt that says "you'll thank me later" so that i'll have an excuse for behaving the way i want.

also, i want a shirt with signs that points in many different directions and every sign says "sofie"

also. i want.
so much.

a life, plx. being retarded is only fun in the short run.


i guess i inherited my dad's lazyness.

i went for a walk in our yard and there's probably no other place in this area that holds comparable amounts of mess.

well. all i could think of was "hey... this is exactly how my brain works!"

do not know if that's a good or bad thing.
probably bad because lazyness means i never finish things.

ah.. whatever.

i enjoy the fact that people usually break out in laughter when i ask "what do you think the world would be like if every person was an exact replica of me?"

and now i'm all out of stories to tell you.

but i have some brand sparkin' new ideas



..... no, i don't.


ah well. hopelessnessiousityness.

there's something outside that sounds like a duck

but it's probably just my bad luck.
(at least it took my hunger away from me)



my brain has weakened, something drags me by the ears.

sweat it all out now and come clean with what you did.

chop off the toes and be no longer empty. let the air flow through and soar across the mourning of your mom.

health. what is that? my mind consumes me and i don't consume anything that leads lives on the outside of my pityful universe.

i think we're just overly obsessed with what others think. how they digest you becomes more important than how you view yourself.
hollow.
i always feel guilty because i know i don't do what's required. all that guilt. no wonder i'm heavy and eventyally become depressed.
no wonder at all.
at all costs, you should stick to 'the plan'. schedule all minutes and be aware at all costs to fill every second.

blew my mind. i'm aware of being aware. the conciousness has made me too aware and it has become all i ever manage to think of. please don't fall into the same trap, please don't take in what's outside of you, other peoples view on you, how they seemingly enjoy you/get disgusted by you, if you ever soak your soul in their opinions, you'll lose the most treasured part of you - yourself. conciosness is a bitch from time to time, don't let other people compliment your abilities, compliments are very confusing. you become self-concious and that equals to losing. at least on my behalf.


but my behalf is what it is - half. be.

i'm hungry.
but too sick of myself to eat.


i miss hiking, i miss biking. i miss everything i miss.

skipping heartbeats, leaps and overheads, fuck this shit this shit this this shit

i prefer to be told, not behold.


my head really hurts. it might be trying to detox itself from all my poisonous thoughts. tough job.

but yet, i seem to be missing everything at once, and nothing at all while missing everything.


i long for so much at the same time i cannot possibly decide what to set my mind for.

being human is the worst thing ever. the worst product evolution could ever come up with. we're pretty selfdestructive and i consider writing a book on pessimism.
the sad thing is - it's probably already been done
a thousand times.


everything's already done, why even bother. i spend my time looking through other peoples references. originality has probably ceased. i'm ill of doing jailtime.

alreaddy plotting

completely shattered, books out of nowhere and heartaches in the certainty you hide.


wallow.
you should, but you don't, i would, but i can't, you try and i fail, the places where all collide, is there a gap, is there a portal?

steal from us. i'm not sure i want it back. ever.
leave it for the seaguls, taste the acid and figure it all out. i'm norwegian and it clashes with your mirror.
tounges won't move fast enough, your seatbelt is too tight.
i'm a hatter and you're the beast, flee from thee and have a feast.

probably the right probably the wrong

when all smells like coffee you're on the track to devine serenity

people lose, bosses keep fighting.
they rule around and leave yours to offer
in utter silence, nothing will ever sound as loud
as racing thoughts

people have a mania, i'm the sane one
give me a sticker, who else should tell the masses?

plead and torture, gateways to inner beauty

fuck the life that does not exist. why look when your eyes are wide open.

look at people and give them the look

look back and look forward
nothing will ever turn out in the same perspective

wait a minute and it'll all change
constantly on the run from itself and its horrible shape

you think it's easy you take it all for certainty to be

i don't follow, the huge disaster is yet to come. places. trees. faces. degrees.

join them, combined for life. exhausted nostrils and play with bikes. run for the run, and hide from the vacuum.

space has arrived and won't ever leave

a bad grape will make a good rasin but neither one can make a promise.

I am the gap and you're the troll, we have it all in one bowl and stick to the roof. peal some sunshine off the leg and save it for hell. you'll se plenty but you'll forget even more.
there is no plenty, we have no perception - we just figure we want it, we just figure it's good. for what? for us. for gravity. for greed and for vanity.

stick your tounge into a mirror, watch as it disappears. slowly swollow your own grief and start over with new ideas.
fresh and always wanted. sick and always allowed.

we go by the name of the book insanity wrote

easily overviewed, don't take part.

we are all simple shapes and dimentions, combined for complexity.

words write themselves, too



hang in there, out there is way scary.

yes, the bloody knife used to have a name, but it carved it into the bone of the oldest landfill at the bottom of it all

sorrow.


has it.
i guess i've sort of sort of lost myself. my very being has come to an end, and the spirit has left. the leaf that hits the ground. i am whatever the neccessity might seem to be.

shapes and such, blood and paralyzed equipment. today has it, i'm all over scratching the bald chicken on to the deep voice of a pile of wood.

if it could talk, it would tell you to SGNjGS njdfs d j njdfk fj ea8798d8 jdif()/#)¤(jfdmskl.

why listen. i'm not able to process. the stuff has to be processed before i'm able to consume it.
build a storage, place me inside. provide me with a bigger sense of need.

water hasit, people has it. towards the end of probability. it has the meaning, it has the craving.
up on the hill, down on the water. spend your days counting every last cell of your being.

what does it tell you, is it written anywhere? why search for something that might not even exist.

the eyelid of humanity.

carve a whole heart out of your television. the matter has the same opinion, the matter has all the right meanings.

please take a turn for the worse, can't you just shut up and nod your head to the beat of my punching.
long lost fishingrod.

i want to make something new. i'm done playing at this level. i need to level up a notch or plenty. create? create. be creative. create something, anything. just make it yours, just make it count. it's all about math. it's all about human nature, it's all about what's going on in other peoples mind. you must not provoke negative thoughts in them, you must do whatever you can to keep your reputation clean and fucking brilliant. the impression has to be right, you have to fight for yourself. push your standards on others as they push theirs onto you. whose are they, anyway? whose standards do you really follow? are they already processed or do they originally belong to you? and, does it really matter..


no. no  no no no.

lukewarm health, passive minds.

fear the fear and help the helpless.
be brave but not too brave.
have a bright mind and a happy face.

don't act too fast, but act in time.
don't place a name upon something that isn't yours.

don't call people in the middle of the night and don't get frustrated when they do.

balance out the meaning of your life with others.
you stretch for a mile and feel the footsteps of everyone above you, walking passed, leaving impressions.

saturated fats and saturated minds. saturated people have their meal in the morning, have their go and end up infront of the television.

the ultimate goal.

hilarious. i laugh all the way and bliss hits me like a relapse.

dead bodies have lots of potential.

when the foot of the mountain tries to get on top of itself

i've seen so many bands this year i'm really confused.
no way to bring a summary. purrhaps i could sum up WHO before it's too late. i forget.

Tame Impala
Foals
Pj Harvey
Brigth Eyes
Mastodon
Portishead
M.I.A.
Tallest man on earth (some songs, at least)
Fucking Kaizers Orkselksrmraktarr.aar
TV on the Radio
Arctic monkeys (boring)
The Strokes (i almost killed myself)
Lykke Li (amazing. i cried)
I was a King
Tremor ( a bit)
THE WALKMEN!<3
Gold panda
Janelle Monae
 Kings of..............le............o .......... . .            ................... fuck, i died. fucked up my hand. it still hurts. fucking hell.

that's it for roskilde.

Træna:

Dungen
Manu Chao
Honningbarna
Anna Jarvinen
Ida Maria
Dan Fagerquist
Jenny Hval
Gabriel
Valkyrien Allstars


Bukta
Cold Mailman
Ida Maria
GRINDERMAN
Mudhoney
Kvelertak (danced like crazy, the guards took me out of the moshpit..)
Biffy Clyro
Kyuss Lives
Kråkesølv
Steinar
Kitchie Kitchie Ki Me O

Parken:
Motorpsycho
Sepultura
Lissie
Håkan Hellstrøm
Robyn
Ida Maria
Inculcado
Surfers Lingo
Deathcrush
Ed Kowalzyk
Iggy Pop


Døgnvill
Robyn
ach i just want to forget this festival ever happened
Kaizers
John Fogerty
Sirkus eliassen
admiral p
Pendulum
Kelis (AWFUL!!!)
a bit of Eurpoe

during the winter i also went to alot of concerts frome time to time. awesome.
i sure miss that..

Lukestar
Dunderhonning
Kvelertak
Kråkesølv
Ihab
Hopalong knut
Valentourettes
Sivert Høyem
Ane Brun
Katzenjammer
Bugge Wesseltoft
Jarle Bernhoft
Sondre Lerche
Misvær Skaforening
Bo Kaspers Orkestra
dilillis
Egil Olsen
Æ og Dem
Sirkus Eliassen

BHCF#14

Lama
Casa Murilo
Fjorden Baby!
Oslo Ess (MOSHPIT BABY, i completly destroyed my bodily health, but my mind praised me)
Out There
Quiritatio
Kråkesølv
Gabriel

..and some more but i can't fucking remember right now. all is hectic at that festival.



i can't even recall them all. but i do know i've seen many bands more than once. Kråkesølv, for instance. FIVE times this year. which means i've been to alot more concerts than a simple naming will count for. djisis.

at this point i count at least 80. 

well. that's alot of beer. could you imagine.

i should be the happiest person alive. 

i guess i am! 

does the need for communication cease when facebook has a solid archive of the people you'd like to catch up with?

i used to be a depressed geek

now i'm only depressed.


hourray.

depression is complaining about things you never get done and yet never seem to seek out the energy to do something about it anyways. it's a circle, it's a spiral, it's ever so easy to slip into and fucking impossible to snap out of. i might even think, in the darkest of moods, that there is no reason to put on a brave smile. there's no use, the lie i project has no value.

i have no value.

i've sunk into the abyss of a private hell
i'm burning up from the inside, and when i'm finally cremated the sorrow i once carried alone appears for the world to see.
gaze upon my misery, it taught me nothing but the ability to rob even the brightest days of all meaning.
even the brightest moments rarely let light slip into the back of my mind, where things accumulate and brews into something i can extract nutrients from.

no.

it's dark and nothing grows.


provide me with beer, please, and i'm yours.

i used to strike gold!

i used to be so much more fun, pardon me for changing.

a fucking long time ago

i used to have a fucking normal life and fucking normal things to do.




fuck...





FUCK!

i'm tired of walking around like this

charm

i feel like moving in and out of this, like i still keep doing
and it seems like i'll continue down this path untill the end of all my time
it's a bit unfair
but i'm no hard worker

still, i gaze into the future like it's an empty screen with a high beep,
noise that penetrates my feelings of guilt


i sometimes want to move out of myself and grasp for a better grip,
but i'm still here
quiet on the suface, raging on the inside.

oh, behave.

oh, go shave.




fuck this, i'm better off apart from the darkness within

ambition
i know how it feels.
i know how much it hurts when it leaves you be.
i know how dependant we truly are on motivation

in order to thrive..


WÆÆÆH!!!!

common, uncommon. .certain, uncertain

eep

start again begin again
be constructive

14.71


scary shit


but by the time the first bombs fell
we were already bored

if i could have it back

sometimes i can't believe it
i'm moving passed the feeling


there are so many things i miss
and i spend my days feeling lethargic

mental and physical fatigue

malaise

i'm there, all over.
smitten, smooth.
fucking brilliant, down to earth.
slick and slim, fast and graceful

glorious times head for an apartment upstairs
they know what time it is
they feel the wibe from passing cars

when it all falls down and the horrid blackmail is returned to sender, then all is going to turn green

my head expands and the open wound that is the consciousness reveals itself as a fullblown storm
rise to the occation, have a relapse now and then
be there all the time, don't take the effort to look back
one day it'll come by itself
one day i'm all here and near
fear

of the same and the oposite
of it all and of whatever they say
whatever they do
people are not worth the bets you make

i'm ill i'm ill i'm ill
and lost
locked
into spaces that i cannot see all the normal things in
with normal eyes and normal reactions

fraction

i am but a fraction of myself

i knew so much, now i know so little
not a minute passes without me thinking about it

walk around it, don't you dare come across

we watch you
ready at all times, at all costs

to bring you down


spend it all, don't look back
i have no agenda, i only lack

i'm stressed out and fat
on the wrong track

all is dirty, all is not well

i'm going nowhere
and desperation has taken its toll


one day i'll look back at this madness and realise i've come a long way since then.
i want to get well.
TossItBack, i'm paralyzed..

beautiful children

we'll all feel deprived

no matter what

being an addict is survival at its best

why worry.

we'll all feel deprived at some point.

there's only one thing i know

that time passes. it takes no rights, it leaves no rights, it just is and has the right to be.

the only thing i think i know, is that everything has to be tried for the first time.
everything.
nothing comes as a habit, nothing becomes usual, nothing becomes musclememory unless you do it for the first time and then rehearse it untill you get rid of that anxious feeling from being a noob.

everyone can and should at all times relate to that.

i'm forever grateful for being a fast learner.
and an even faster forgetter.


purpose. what is that.
everything has to have a purpose or else you've failed.
what's the point with no point.
i always have to make great excuses for being me.
is it right?
am i wrong? are people wrong? is ther perception of 'meaning' and 'purpose' something else than mine?
is there anything more to life rather than being depressed when you really think about it?

cars in a rush. rushtraffic. it makes no sense.
i think that the purpose behind being narrowminded is way weaker than the purpose behind overthinking things. but weakness in itself is strong, because you're not smart enough to realise how depressed you should be.

i can't shake the feeling of being so enormously wrong.
in all the right ways. wrong in all the right places.
better than being right in all the wrong places?
whoever knows, i just want to fish and live in the moment.
(which i never seem to do)

i must remember to remind myself that i am depressed. it's a fact.
i must embrace it, the feelings and the facts.

 it's a slow habit. it slows everything down.
so getting out of it makes for a slow process.

this is my mind, my pollution, mine to handle.

and in my head it's all just plain old fiction.
a novel of rants, i am a novice of all the important things.

my self-esteem is lower than ever, i realise how little i know.

bottom. rock bottom. i'm buried underneath there somewhere.
rocks.

getting well. what is that. what is the point. being happy. is there such a thing. is it really all that important. what if this just is what it is, what if this is the big it about me. do i really have to care about my great potential. what's the point behind realising myself. is it for me or is it for society or is it for my parents or is it for my vanity. my mind is hibernating, eating itself to survive. munches off my intellect and inflict serious damage upon my grey matter.
it doesn't matter.

not really.
getting well. to whose standards?
when will i ever feel well? i must fool myself in order to fit in, i must be a fool to convince myself that this is for me. what if the reason behind my depression is that i'll never fit in? why squeeze myself into a shape that i cannot withstand for long? is there any wonder why i feel like changing the channel?
i must not become well in order to fit into the everyday life that i loathe.
i must become well enough to start over, to have it my way.
to fool people, not be the fool myself. leave the impression of a well-balanced person with a vision, a great past and an even greater future.

all is beautiful in here. i only get depressed when i let reality sink in.

YES YES YES YES YES YES YEEEAS............ jeez.

 

this is awfully depressing.

i think this pic IS depression.

in a way.


but no, as usual, i don't know. i'm not the one who possess any answers. it's neither right nor wrong.

all i want is to shed a few liters of sweat

carve this color onto your arm, it's not alive and it's not a lie.

autumn is here.


silent,
rainy,
grey,
wonderful


i'm a total fraud

sit patiently, await for this awful second to appear, naked as you are

drowning in a nicotine patch and hairless beachballs

results

i am always chasing something, but still i manage to make no movement at all.
the furniture acts as a magnet, holding me in place, that special zone.
i'm under any force, i'm inside of the heads.
i'm running from time to time, only to watch it pass out on the couch.

it's impossible to not act upon this,
yet i'm still completely still.

jealousy, stones. horrid people, pacmans

i wonder, what happens when you know it all about a special someone?
what happens when you cease to impress?
your best features no longer tempt, your adress is no longer at home?
your place in life shifts shapes, your habits all collide?

irritated, agitated.
blown up, shot down.

it's not simple, keeping someones interest. i might be wrong, i might be living in a fantasy world.
my distorted reality, the bliss of one moment.
sitting down with a cup and a special person.
smoke a cigarette and feel it coming.

home is a diseaseridden place, you no longer exist in the ideal world created by an overwhelmed mind.
i need no support, i have my stuff.

you see me for my flaws, i have no other wings.
this impaired way of living is the beauty i no longer hide.
we take part, we're all in.

society has it's opinions, society has it's flow.
as have i, but i'm not in the show.
i'm out to flow, to have a go.
into the state of enhanced moods..


jealous. y.
what do we need it for?
is it really so, that what you can offer, isn't really all that fullfilling?
is it really so, that one should be able to seek stimulation on other levels with other people?
you come with your package, others have theirs.
pure logic is the fastest way to beat jealousy, trust is another.
one way or another, you should not be jealous.
you should put a price on protection, but you should not hunt an innocent person down, just due to a discomfort in your head.

i'm certain you could beat it, i'm sure to have it all here.
don't be jealous of me, i just happen to be.
happy.

so, if you really love me, you bring support.
not a rotten attitude of tainted thoughts and infected feelings.


i really love the smell of it, i really love to inhale every last crumb.
it has an effect that puts all aside.

stand there for a second, feel it all come alive. feel it all change, feel the chemistry of joy.
pull it all apart, feel like a horse in an open field.
broaden the effect of change, take it all into the other place.
watch the ceiling change patterns, flow towards the end of misery.
be alive, have it all. bring nothing, leave plenty.


i enjoy it, there is no flaw.
it is the bliss, it has the potential.
it is the cure, i am a fan.


i happen to have the light you need, provide me with your substance.

it has gone too far

since spotify is 'unable to draw funds' from my bankaccount (49 kr)
i'm all out, now

i'm all out of everything
life
lust
happiness
bliss
fiss
diss
giss

all out

i can see your lips move
i can sense a figure of your speech

but i'm alone, still
my head will not include anything
that goes beyond its physical limits

thinking about picking berries
lost in the translation of restlessness

herring

i need to relax
i need to buy cds

but i have no money

i have no work
i'm all out

inculcado

such talented music
thank you
thank you
t h a n k  y o u .

i'd give alot to have you back
to see you again
and again
and again

and again

if i could have it back


carrying a book with me
at all times
at all costs

i'm dead and fat
fat on the inside and outside
dead from the neck and up
caffeine can't touch me


i have touched iggy pop, btw
his skin was like leather

deerest deer

paintskills

i has them

everything looks so long ago

i miss this
i miss feeling hungry
and i miss feeling the bliss

the inspiration

i run around, i run into lack
or luck

i offer help i offer assistance, i offer myself and i offer them nothing
i take it all back

it's broke
i'm broke


bankrupt
and in need of nothing

i want to disappear

slowly, swallowing it all whole while breathing through the nose

swollen and hurt
people see me for trees

a leaf that leaves

i drink cancer
and cancer drains me
i'm my own old and disrupted disease

people tell me what i should do
they tell me their sollutions
they advice me to do this and that
i'm all ears
and then i chop them off

you should keep you mouth closed

if you had a door on it, i would slam it shut

i'm not angry, i'm tired

sleeping on the couch and drinking pink water makes you weary and disoriented

and it sure makes you forget how to remember

banananananana.

feirce

i spend the days
counting
them
counting how many
i'll manage
without alcohol

it's the most exciting part of the day
summing it up
and conclude with
"no.. no beers.. no whine, today"
and then move on with a halfrisen smile on my face

am i depressed?
i know i am.

but it curbs itself when

..


well.

goodbye all men, i'm left alone
and it feels so good

having the housekeeper sleep over, besides.

i'm porbably late
but
the lateness aside

Tune-Yards is awesome

Merrill Garbus is such a genious
i'm jealous
no i'm not
but i am
no i'm not
but i am
no i'm not
but i am
no i'm not
but i am


..


idon'tevenknowanymore


Merrill Garbus is the closest thing i could ever get to RnB and so on. to gangsta-music, or whatever.
she takes me to that place.

well anyroad, this is just me trying to remember something.

please keep moving, yo. i'm still boring as fuck.

i was so drunk

the roskilde festival.. i have no proper words for it. it is it's own thing, it is it's own world and it has so much to give you and you should embrace the fact that it loves you.
it goes so many miles for you. it has everything lined up, it is the one who holds the towel for you when you go out of the shower, it is the coffee in the morning, it is the water when you're thirsty and it is heaven on earth for drunk people.

i have no words, i have no perception, i have no other feeling than a total mindfuck, i have no impression other than eternal bliss, i have no feeling apart from eternal internal sunshine.

thank you for making me so happy.
it comes back to me now.


and. i was so drunk.


i'm thinking about smoke now.


one of the biggest impressions was left by Lykke Li, actually.
the mood.
we waited in line after dancing/running like the crazypeople we are to The Strokes. i laughed all the time and we probably looked drugged to shreds, but no. only alcohol.
the line was wet. water all over the place. a fence. we sat there. the light was magic. we talked. discussed so much unnecessary shit for ages and drank wine. this was only random. why we decided to wait in front of the line for her i never really knew. it was a feeling i just couldn't shake. i've not listened to her that much, but i have kept up with a lot of her history since 2007. she made a huge impression on me back then. and, this was our opportunity to stand way in front. to test our running capacity. even tho we were drunk and tired.
i just had to do this. i just had to fit in as a lykke li fan. i just had to watch her.
a somewhat overwhelming feeling, i guess my intuition took me there. drunk.
we ran up to the front aisle, stood there. clung to the fence and waited patiently for the glorious beaty that she is. she freaked me out so much that i had to wear sunglasses in order to hide my tears.

such an intense experience.

so many memories and so many new impressions. so many new and old places at the same time, so much emotion and so much passion.

i never knew what i went to, but it blew me away.

i am grateful.


Youth Novels is a brilliant album.

it's all just the same

and this time i feel like dancing

i managed to watch an entire movie yesternight. i should have been asleep, but instead i made coffee and saw a movie called Splice. pretty slick stuff, a mindfuck. (mindfuck is my favorite word nowadays)

i seek stuff like that. mindfucks.

so apart from being totally random and not very interesting i have nothing to report. i'm alive, yes.

and very tired.

have not been able to eat properly and the last time i stepped onto a bathroomscale i got pretty shocked.

hungry, but i can't bother to eat. what is this.

my repetition is this

breakfast is served. please enjoy and keep moving.

remind you, mind me.

it's all pretty well and i should do something new each day

i should make a list

i should keep it swell

to carve a fokkin dinosaur out of wood is my next big thing

i just need to do some simple math first, but i reckon i'm too lazy to do so.

whatever.

but first i need a knife and it seems impossible to get one that's suitable.

... i wish i posessed the glory of photoshop.

Hey Joni

"She's not thinking about the future
She's not spinning her wheels
She doesn't think at all about the past
She's thinking long and hard
About that wild sound
And wondering will it last?

Kick it "

by sonic youth, from their album "daydream nation"

a rather awful song, but the lyrics kind of got stuck. i don't know.

it's a lie. please stop it now. enough.

one can never peak in front of the computer

but the illusion of it may be created

i believe more in the real world

this is absurd

internet, you have my at my knees

i'm lost and uninspired

my brain blew into a million pieces

and now i can't focus anymore

too much information that flows through and never gets stuck

i'm hooked

(i stood way back in the audience and tried to snap these fellows. the sun hated me and so many parts became overexposed. the distance causes lots of noise and my general ignorance is pretty destructive on these, too. well. i suppose i must ask you to AT LEAST ENLARGE THEM to see how crappy they really are. i'm bummed out.)



still blown up and out of control. tie me down, put me in a coma.
i'm better off without.

please teach me something

There Are, There Is.

so much more important things in life rather than thinking what i think.

fix it.
you.
fix.
it.

myroom is overfilled with spiders. they ask me frequently, dangling from the roof and down, "sup? can i please set up a net anywhere here? i prefer for it to be on you if you keep on sitting as still as you do and keep on attracting so many flies"

i tell them i'm a little afraid and stressed out about their species, but i also tell them i'll do my best, whatever that is.
so. my best. is it:
- A: keep still for it to build a nest?
- B: or perhaps serve another purpose beyond this room?

eeeey.... chillax, i've got this.

no, i don't. the nature of the beast is quite simple - i only posess a mood like this (bliss, bliss, bliss) in very rare occations WHILE sitting at home. i've spent much time investigating this matter. and yes, it doesn't get any less true with time. infact, time functions as a fertilizer.
what a scary thought, but also; the thought about time being a fertilizer! how very bloody fascinating!


fish out of water, it's so true.
you never know anyone until you experience them in their right element.

i'm lucky enough to not judge by appearance, by first impression, by second impression, by the third ipm... well, at some point i might make up my mind about a certain someone, but mostly i wait for it.

waiting. i'm such a good waiter. err. is it patience? no, it's apathy.

such a good waiter!!


i think my favorite weather is on outside, maybe i should switch clothes and get out.

great tea. great gee. the cream of the crop. no muscle of men.

i have very little to report.
call your friend.
go see the boss.
drink coffee.
relax. let you senses take you where all the sense in the world couldn't, wouldn't.
call.
income.
outcome.

don't plan to plan, just plan.
easy.

focus. rubbish.
focus.
fish.

you should go for a bikeride. you should eat the jam. you should press the prints, you should be on the land.
garden. jumpshots. cameratoss and great loss. afraid of the weather, afraid to lose points.
trains and magazines, keeps you together. chocolate bars keeps you focused. tension and release.
the everyday taste like salty tea, the weekend has it's routines. the day has a structure and you loose youre grip. the flesh burns and you take a turn for the worse. pills.
satisfaction. fraction.
salty water, boil it off. keep yourself clean and lean. be there for time, be there before time.
plants breathe your breath, they source energy from the light. keep yourself clean, keep yourself in the dark.
hide from sorrow, hide behind the mask. your fysique is important, your chin tell more than your mouth.
competition.

always running. always stressed. always away and always in a thousand pieces.

i know no language, i know no power. i know nothing and i'm uninspired. teach me, i'm a sponge. i can't seek out what to learn myself, i prefer to be told.

i prefer.

we all prefer. we all want the best. the easiest. the bliss, the chill. the alkohol and the virgins. the gap and the downfall of others.


we want.
lust.
we need.
greed.

we need for it to take us places. driven.
drove. into. the. branch.
it turns into a ladder.
you sort it out.
you're such a good person.
you know so much.
you're talented, you should to this and that.
you're a resource, you should keep clean. trim off the trimmings, keep yourself lean.
to fit into society, to fit into other peoples minds.
in a busy lifestyle noone wants to work in order to understand you. they need to be told.
don't expect anything. keep it all simple. but you need to be talented. you need to stand out. you need to blend your feelings and you need to be told.

i never seem to grow, but my head expands. it might be water, it might be clogged up tears. it might be frustration, it might be fear.

my brain feels swollen, my feelings appear cold.
such vast distances, to grow and get old.

teach. learn. learn to teach. learn to listen. learn to keep calm.
learn to approach, learn to digest.

read.
be informed.
be clear.
do not disturb or confuse.

keep it all neat.
be tall on your feet.

it's good to be understood.

re member

to check out these festivals next year

way out west
flow festival
lowlands festival

and so on. because they're all sold out now.

really annoying, really annoyed

 but there was something i enjoyed. it's all rubbish. being back home makes no sense. what do i have left? leftovers? or should i chew on the memories? such a nice time, such a mix of good and bad manners. what for? it's life, it's alive. being the reason and bringing the reason. my beerbelly hums to the hymn of excitement and collective anxiety.

there is something about festivals.

 this really makes no sense at all. but that's just the way it is. i could never do anything that's good work, that makes people come back for more, that brings a consciousness to their mind, that plays with ther feelings, that causes a reaction. no. not me. i'm not able to concentrate. fractured. i'd like to say i'm sorry, but i can't. i apologize to myself, if something.
fuck this.

the urge, the bottle, the bubbles, THE MISERY.

back in the days

my old Nikon, compactcamera with not a lot of mp to go around. it died many years ago. but i loved it, still.
my dad actually found the memorycard inside the vacuumcleaner. not inside the bag or anything, just inside a compartment of the bloody thing. such a bizarre incident, i've been looking for this a long time now. well.

 this was my idea. why we went for it, i don't know. maybe due to everybody being so hungover they could not think of anything better.

such classic behaviour. this guy deleted me on facebook. i completely support that decision, 100 per cent.


anyroad.