beautiful children

we'll all feel deprived

no matter what

being an addict is survival at its best

why worry.

we'll all feel deprived at some point.

there's only one thing i know

that time passes. it takes no rights, it leaves no rights, it just is and has the right to be.

the only thing i think i know, is that everything has to be tried for the first time.
everything.
nothing comes as a habit, nothing becomes usual, nothing becomes musclememory unless you do it for the first time and then rehearse it untill you get rid of that anxious feeling from being a noob.

everyone can and should at all times relate to that.

i'm forever grateful for being a fast learner.
and an even faster forgetter.


purpose. what is that.
everything has to have a purpose or else you've failed.
what's the point with no point.
i always have to make great excuses for being me.
is it right?
am i wrong? are people wrong? is ther perception of 'meaning' and 'purpose' something else than mine?
is there anything more to life rather than being depressed when you really think about it?

cars in a rush. rushtraffic. it makes no sense.
i think that the purpose behind being narrowminded is way weaker than the purpose behind overthinking things. but weakness in itself is strong, because you're not smart enough to realise how depressed you should be.

i can't shake the feeling of being so enormously wrong.
in all the right ways. wrong in all the right places.
better than being right in all the wrong places?
whoever knows, i just want to fish and live in the moment.
(which i never seem to do)

i must remember to remind myself that i am depressed. it's a fact.
i must embrace it, the feelings and the facts.

 it's a slow habit. it slows everything down.
so getting out of it makes for a slow process.

this is my mind, my pollution, mine to handle.

and in my head it's all just plain old fiction.
a novel of rants, i am a novice of all the important things.

my self-esteem is lower than ever, i realise how little i know.

bottom. rock bottom. i'm buried underneath there somewhere.
rocks.

getting well. what is that. what is the point. being happy. is there such a thing. is it really all that important. what if this just is what it is, what if this is the big it about me. do i really have to care about my great potential. what's the point behind realising myself. is it for me or is it for society or is it for my parents or is it for my vanity. my mind is hibernating, eating itself to survive. munches off my intellect and inflict serious damage upon my grey matter.
it doesn't matter.

not really.
getting well. to whose standards?
when will i ever feel well? i must fool myself in order to fit in, i must be a fool to convince myself that this is for me. what if the reason behind my depression is that i'll never fit in? why squeeze myself into a shape that i cannot withstand for long? is there any wonder why i feel like changing the channel?
i must not become well in order to fit into the everyday life that i loathe.
i must become well enough to start over, to have it my way.
to fool people, not be the fool myself. leave the impression of a well-balanced person with a vision, a great past and an even greater future.

all is beautiful in here. i only get depressed when i let reality sink in.

YES YES YES YES YES YES YEEEAS............ jeez.

 

this is awfully depressing.

i think this pic IS depression.

in a way.


but no, as usual, i don't know. i'm not the one who possess any answers. it's neither right nor wrong.

all i want is to shed a few liters of sweat

carve this color onto your arm, it's not alive and it's not a lie.

autumn is here.


silent,
rainy,
grey,
wonderful


i'm a total fraud

sit patiently, await for this awful second to appear, naked as you are

drowning in a nicotine patch and hairless beachballs

results

i am always chasing something, but still i manage to make no movement at all.
the furniture acts as a magnet, holding me in place, that special zone.
i'm under any force, i'm inside of the heads.
i'm running from time to time, only to watch it pass out on the couch.

it's impossible to not act upon this,
yet i'm still completely still.

jealousy, stones. horrid people, pacmans

i wonder, what happens when you know it all about a special someone?
what happens when you cease to impress?
your best features no longer tempt, your adress is no longer at home?
your place in life shifts shapes, your habits all collide?

irritated, agitated.
blown up, shot down.

it's not simple, keeping someones interest. i might be wrong, i might be living in a fantasy world.
my distorted reality, the bliss of one moment.
sitting down with a cup and a special person.
smoke a cigarette and feel it coming.

home is a diseaseridden place, you no longer exist in the ideal world created by an overwhelmed mind.
i need no support, i have my stuff.

you see me for my flaws, i have no other wings.
this impaired way of living is the beauty i no longer hide.
we take part, we're all in.

society has it's opinions, society has it's flow.
as have i, but i'm not in the show.
i'm out to flow, to have a go.
into the state of enhanced moods..


jealous. y.
what do we need it for?
is it really so, that what you can offer, isn't really all that fullfilling?
is it really so, that one should be able to seek stimulation on other levels with other people?
you come with your package, others have theirs.
pure logic is the fastest way to beat jealousy, trust is another.
one way or another, you should not be jealous.
you should put a price on protection, but you should not hunt an innocent person down, just due to a discomfort in your head.

i'm certain you could beat it, i'm sure to have it all here.
don't be jealous of me, i just happen to be.
happy.

so, if you really love me, you bring support.
not a rotten attitude of tainted thoughts and infected feelings.


i really love the smell of it, i really love to inhale every last crumb.
it has an effect that puts all aside.

stand there for a second, feel it all come alive. feel it all change, feel the chemistry of joy.
pull it all apart, feel like a horse in an open field.
broaden the effect of change, take it all into the other place.
watch the ceiling change patterns, flow towards the end of misery.
be alive, have it all. bring nothing, leave plenty.


i enjoy it, there is no flaw.
it is the bliss, it has the potential.
it is the cure, i am a fan.


i happen to have the light you need, provide me with your substance.