i care about making people believe i don't care

there's a truth that's certain. i have a lot of shitty days. so many of which spent in isolation, terrified of despair and collapse. i hide and rot. completely alone, with thoughts no one deserves to hear or be a part of.
it's therefore safer to ignore the world outside of these walls. i manage to keep calm and stay somewhat collected when i don't have to consider the well-being of others. if i were to go out when in an awful shape, the depression gets worse. ten thousand times over or more.
sadly enough, it's a well researched theory that's so close to being a fact, i might very well call it exactly that.
i shouldn't be out amongst people in an attempt to have what is considered a good time when in a completely useless mood. it's disturbing for all of us, i get a lot of awkward questions and looks, and say many an awful thing in order to maintain a distance from further destruction.
this does not make much sense at all. but the truth remains the same. i'm better off left alone. because showing off how incredibly nasty i can be serves nobody.

volume speaks titles

i really don't understand anything

noise everywhere

event horizon
it's as if a spell was carved into my bones
getting to know it doesn't seem to help
everything is lost on me
helpless little creature
beyond the badlands
shy away from the sun
wasted, hollow
nothing new to swallow
a half-wit in the pine-trees
and a lesson that's too hard to learn
pointing out the point of no return
sacred envelope
scared cutthroat
it won't melt
refuse to fuse
claws to pick your teeth clean
a dragon
with hummingbird wings

in another dimension
people ask you what kind of shit you'd prefer tomorrow,
instead of "what would you like for dinner tonight"

coming home soon
leave the beans on
coming home soon
please do the dishes for me
please do the housework
please leave no remains
of whatever impulse you had
please, squeaky clean, please
because what i need is more accepted and therefore more important
any sudden guest must not see the reality of me and us
our lives is a lie
but white is a nice touch
so we painted it all over our walls, thoughts and actions
come in come in
batter for battering
raisins for creativity
nutmeg as a secret
chopping skills
right temperature, right phrases uttered
look at our new curtains, look at our new rug
impressively platonic and idiomatic

needs, deeds and perfection
no flies
no germs
no life
nothing is nothing
nothing doesn't exist anymore
but we still feel the urge to escape it
nothingness

life is just an endless cycle of needs to satisfy


since it's always so little about what you say, but rather about how you say it, do the same means apply to music? is music how you say things? i for one hate to take music literally. i prefer to listen to how it changes me. what it awakes within. so, music, is it just a body language we respond to?
seems like a fair claim, after all. when we speak with someone on the phone, we're unable to see the persons body language, but a lot of it also comes from the voice. the tones of it. you can easily hear what state a person is in.
music is communication. music is how you say things. because it's easy to tell lies if the receiver only care about the words used. yet, they're very easily deducted if you pay attention to the body language.

oh well. as always,
i'm probably wrong.

feeling special is normal

sober and bored, oh the agony

meeting new people
being drunk at fancy hotels

the taste of foreign decadence
wonderful wander in a parallel reality

aware of all the new facts and facets
who am i to ask questions
or respond to any notion about change

escape
mindscape
landscape

shallow breaths, fried brains
words become foggy

endless repeating of the known
since fear of fear is a drive

it's all in your blood

the oldest cooking-sauce on earth

before belong, behead

field interviews. what a glorious habit. what a brilliant idea.

you can learn a lot from most people when able to listen and ask the right questions.

somehow, hearing them talk makes information stick around. perhaps because you pay attention if you ask interesting questions and get interesting answers.

interest. always the key.

_
anger. one of the emotions that can be combated with a few steps back and reasoning.
same goes for jealousy. which others are there, that produces as much conflict and terror.
and yet, so easy to deal with if you manage to collect wit for a bit.

this is the hour with 3600 long seconds. on ne passe pas.
so much time given for a pause during deep breaths.
heave and leave be.
sometimes, the best reaction, is none at all.

such thoughts have crossed my mind frequently for a long time.
even though it is difficult to combat the reptilian brain.
to care is in fact a balancing act.


"don't trust anyone. life is safer that way."

cynicism armour. my amor.

what are impulses, if not right right away.
trust your gut, we're often told.
no. our gut spews shit that should be transported straight to the sewers.
left in a deep hole. also known as the sea.
from which we feed.
but at least it's been beating about in a cycle.
so what's not to want, what's not to trust.
how much of a fan are you.
importance. air. warm or cold wind. fan.
remember those days. those hours. when everything was right. you fought and won to keep it that way. for a day, an evening, half an hour or the duration of a certain song.
ah yes. those.

organ.


instead of believing you have to accept or refuse, be tolerant.

self-consciousness and anxiety are so similar.

the reason to be scared is an even better one to think.
your understanding of the world grows deeper as time pass.
all the levels of our society. awareness becomes knowledge.

the x at the corner of all things.
click it with your index finger.
who knows how much you know.
how many hours spent looking words up in a dictionary.
the historybook about you is a printed copy of your internet activities. published by google and facebook.

you get what you work for, not what you wish for. etc.

swallow. regergitate. entropy.

wake up scroll scroll scroll sleep

yes i'm a victim
insert motivational quote

labyrinth of stereotypes

now will soon start to seem like a long time ago

all the right answers for all the wrong reasons

welcome
well, come

comforts to take us through the day. the ones that you don't feel normal without.

don't question my motives, they are noble.
question my condition.

i know why it's hard to abandon an addiction.
because suddenly time stops. no hour drags as long as those where you try to keep clean.
you're not living. you're waiting. trying hard to post-pone the moment in which the overwhelming urge kicks in and you'll have to start from scratch the next day, week, month, year or even years.
it's practically inevitable. you WILL lose this battle against a habit that's settled in for a lifetime.
after all, it has brought a lot of baggage.
which makes it hard to move in any direction outside this jail that is your mind.