having a horrible day.
this girl i'm sharing the shed with drags up a packet of cigarettes.
i send her a modest smile. she holds her fags in an offering manner and asks
"do you smoke?"
i reply whilst grabbing a cigarette
"only at parties"
onsdag 31. oktober 2012
tirsdag 30. oktober 2012
do not disrupt my train of thoughts
well, this basically describes my general mood, more or less.
and i'm beginning to realise there's nothing i can do about it. apart from asking people to simply not bother me in this manner.
also. this is some of the funniest shit i've seen in a good long while:
dark as eyelids made of asphalt
and this:
feed me with pebbles
if you can out me me, i'll be forever cured of all diseases.
seriously.
fredag 26. oktober 2012
home
it's really quiet.
really beautiful.
this place is love.
this pace is me.
the contrasts are back.
blue meets yellow,
surrounded by black.
winter. tverlandet.
fatal attraction.
with no action.
really beautiful.
this place is love.
this pace is me.
the contrasts are back.
blue meets yellow,
surrounded by black.
winter. tverlandet.
fatal attraction.
with no action.
torsdag 18. oktober 2012
the winter is closing in on us
reminisce about imagining you're a dragon
when you breathe out in the cold dark nights
mandag 15. oktober 2012
everything is disappointing,
so i just went back to bed.
i've fallen into that route again. that routine.
if only i could commit to something else instead. so much locked up potential.
it's all grey to me.
and that's not fine.
try and do something.
no thanks, leave it all behind.
i've not left for a better place.
it has all yet to come.
i've just stopped living.
piss easy and blue like a fermented furcoat.
you do not know the colour of my scam,
but i live like a potroast
sealed and scared of the cold
moving into darker ages,
leaves leave us be
cathair everywhere
red-eyed slots
bring the garbage in
i refuse, you abuse
the pain immerse everything
even the trees stop growing
cut in half, divided into stars
new words, new languages,
it all tastes the same:
foul
vile.
spit it out again, chewing is not a joy
if my youth was a soup
heat some water and add crisps,
that's how sad my inner world is
i've fallen into that route again. that routine.
if only i could commit to something else instead. so much locked up potential.
it's all grey to me.
and that's not fine.
try and do something.
no thanks, leave it all behind.
i've not left for a better place.
it has all yet to come.
i've just stopped living.
piss easy and blue like a fermented furcoat.
you do not know the colour of my scam,
but i live like a potroast
sealed and scared of the cold
moving into darker ages,
leaves leave us be
cathair everywhere
red-eyed slots
bring the garbage in
i refuse, you abuse
the pain immerse everything
even the trees stop growing
cut in half, divided into stars
new words, new languages,
it all tastes the same:
foul
vile.
spit it out again, chewing is not a joy
if my youth was a soup
heat some water and add crisps,
that's how sad my inner world is
søndag 7. oktober 2012
i am the key to the lock in your head
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next time, i swear, i'll bring scissors to the concert. this hair.. ah fuck.
LASERS
why i hate commercial boating but love my dad
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onsdag 3. oktober 2012
the 4 best things i have done in my life
i have blizters under my feet, a common cold that won't loosen its grip on my throat, no money left and a deficiency in practically all other nutrients apart from coffee and beer. lack of sleep and a body that aches. if this was any given day during the year, i'd call in sick and die on the couch. but no, not this time. i travelled on, seeking the ultimate euphoria that takes away everything else around it:
seeing radiohead live.
bologna:
i came off the ship at 10 pm or something. walked around in genoa with the bits and pieces of the family i travelled with. i had traintickets from genoa to bologna so i felt in control of the situation. yet, i was uncertain of everything. keeping calm was darn near impossible. i kept thinking about hostels, hotells and so on. no place to sleep, alone in fucking italy. never been to those places before, no idea where the venue is. so, when i finally arrive in bologna, i purchase a map, get my tickets out and ask a waiter if he knows where this is on the map and if i can walk there. he says "oh, for radiohead? they shiftet venues, it's in a different place now due to the earthquake! but not to worry, just go to busstop 25 and follow the fans". HOW LUCKY AM I? i almost went to the old venue, imagine if i sat there the entire time waiting while the concert went off somewhere else? OMFG. i'd kill myself. seriously.
so yes. i tip him alot and run off. busstop twentyfive. guess what meets me? hordes of people with the radioheadbear either tattooed or drawed on them. what hit me was "wtf? i never knew italy held so much fans of this kind!" and felt rather relieved and content. i just gazed at them with an open mouth that after a while turned into a smile and mumbled something to myself. i couldn't dare talk to them for some reason, just follow them around. i never paid for the busride, just hopped off when they hopped off and walked after them. no hotelroom, no place to put my stuff and so fucking on. but, i had three san miguels from barcelona in my purse, so i knew i would turn out just fine. as i approached the venue and the fences, i heard the italian tounge all around me. but then, suddenly, i heard sweedish! i practically ran in that direction shouting "DID I HEAR SOME SWEEDISH FELLOWS???" and they answered "why yes!" asked me if i had anyone else with me and when i told them i were alone they replied "well, not anymore!" and then we sat down in the grass and drank beer and talked about radiohead and music in general with the most excitement and passion i've seen in a long long LONG time.
since i had no place to put the bags, i had to improvise. i didn't come in with my orignial ticket since it was not purchased in my name and had to buy another one. they wouldn't see passed my desperate story (which actually was true! for the love of gods). i just dropped the bag in the soundtent, asked a guy if he could keep an watchfull eye over it and yes, he did, and started bying alot of small bottles of beer for 5€ each, being the only one finding the price reasonable. haha! norway.
then, everything ensues. my mind is in an utter fucked state, here i am, about to embark upon the experience that'll allow me to die happy, the ONE thing that's on my list of shit i've got to do before i die, talking to two swedes, in italy, drinking beer, no place to sleep, no idea what will happen, where my bag is and so on. happiest moment of my life so far. caribou enteres the stage. the show is amazing, we start to realise what a treat we're in for. the re-rig afterwards takes an eternity. people climbing weird ladders up to the top of the stage, the show is obviously going to be a breathtaker. the music playing whilst all this is going on is amazing and starts to get more and more thrilling untill the lights finally go off, everything goes quiet and the audience EXPLODES as radiohead enters the stage. and what a start! they burst into lotus flower and the setlist onwards after that is just beyond mindblowing!! THEY PLAYED I MIGHT BE WRONG!!!! HOLY SHAITE! i could not believe it really happened. seriously. i cried like a motherfucker and felt a sweap of paradise going through my entire being. oh my good grieves. i am the luckiest person ever. seriously!!
the gig went on like that, mindfuck after mindfuck, and when it all was over, we gathered ourselves, i actually found the bag and promised the italian guy a beer (in norway, which is like a fortune for them), he was in such a good spirit, i purchased a shirt and then we walked to the city center with all the other mindblown fans. it was chaos outside, no taxi, no bus, no car could ever leave. the infrastructure collapsed (ref. to house of cards, WHICH THEY ALSO PLAYED AS AN ENCORE) and we just strolled along, happy as could be. drank beer when finally in the centre, talked about random shit and finally fell asleep on the floor of the trainstation. by how, that was uncomfortable.
then i said goodbye to them, proceed on my own to codroipo after taking the wrong train and so on, get a shaite hotelroom (one star, 27€) in Mestre, venice, thought i was going to get raped by the receptionist who tried to kiss me, took a shower and ran to the trainstation.
well. i had a ticket to codroipo. no idea what the city is like. just thought it would be of significant size since fucking radiohead was playing there. get on the train. see nobody else that seems to be going to the concert. no sign of any fans! i start chugging down beer just to keep calm and realising we're actually heading out in the vast nothingness of northern italy. the cities turn into towns, and then villages, and then the trainstations get smaller and smaller and i have no idea where the fuck i'm at, where i'm going, if this is the right way, if i can find the venue after disembarking in codroipo and so on. but all i can do is keep my cool. i actually considered going back to get some sleep and just forget about the concert, didn't think this was a good idea to pursue, but i knew that was just something to forget, all my life has come down to is in this very moment - seeing them live. again. holy fuck.
FINALLY after hours of not knowing where the fuck i am, no sign of any fans and so on, i get to codroipo. it's just as empty as the traincarts, but i was lucky enough to spot a small paper hanging on the wall telling about the concert and were it is. it's an about 4-5 km walk out of the city. a taxidriver asks me if i need a ride, i just ask him "which direction and how far?" and that i'll walk, easily, drinking beer and just stay in this confused but euphoric state of mind. i spot to people looking a bit confused and ask if they're going to the venue. they say yes, ask if i know where it is, and i just put on a big fucking smile, wave my arms and say a loud no! in such a manic way. i laugh. they laugh. we all agree this is crazy, radiohead playing in this small small town/village (I MEAN, IT REALLY WAS SO SMALL!!!). she's from russia, he's from greece. i'm from norway. we tag along, agreed upon that buying beer, water and coffee was the only right thing to do and then keep walking. we had no idea where we were going. tried to ask a local woman of significant age, she didn't know english but told us in italian. we just "ah right, thank you!" and went by. found a supermarked. bought beer. drank outside. saw a guy WITH a fucking beer walking somewhere and decided he was prbably going to the concert as well. we followed untill we stopped what seemed like a local weirdo carrying to full grocerybags. we thought he was going home, but no, he was heading for the concert and brought beer in waterbottles because you could actually get it inside of the venue. smartass. he showed us the way and it was a long walk left. suddenly this lady we had asked for directions stops besides us, tells us to jump into the car and she fucking drives us the rest of the way. talk about local friendlyness. the outskirts of all countries usually hold such nice people with loads of time and effort on their hands. bless her!
it starts raining like crazy. it's an open venue. loads of grass. outside i buy a poncho for 5€. i called the guy a bloodsucker and it was the worst 5€ i've ever spent. seriously. the poncho just fell apart the minute i opened it. i try to get myself in on the tickets i printed, telling the same old story, and then i spot the same guy from yesterday. holy shit! i tell him "why the fuck would i buy FOUR fucking tickets on the black marked for this one concert??" since there was still original tickets left for sale. he finally told me he was on my side, that he was here to help me, that he believed me and after a while i got through. i got fucking through!! they let me in! i get my wristband, they scan the tickets, I GET THROUGH! with the beer in my hand and all! i go crazy. i jump around and give them all a big fucking hug, start crying like a baby and shout "this is my fucking favorite fucking band in the whole entire fucking world" or something like that and just RUN inside after stopping for a great big cry and a gathering of myself in a less crowded place (bushes).
it rained like crazy. the tickets were soaked because of the back and forth at the entrance. they almost couldn't scan them. but they fucking believed me!! i love that guy now and i will NEVER forget his face.
inside i just keep on crying for a bit and walk around with a feeling that cannot be described. both severe manic happiness and rough depression at the same time. i'm on the edge of every feeling you could possibly ever imagine having and it rains, the ground gets wet and mud starts to appear. i go buy beer, drag out my camera, drink, walk, smile, gaze, cry, and talk to random people. get my hands on some cigarettes and small bottles of beer for the purse (which btw was pure GENIOUS!! thank you italy! inventive and practical sods). go to the toilet one last time and wander into the midst of the crowd. the venue is nowhere near full and there's no wonder. not too many people travel into the vast nothingness to see this band. which was great! i felt i had them for myself, more or less.
i obsessed about being alone. i had to be alone. in the front. i had to see the stage better this time. come closer to them. i couldn't care less about the poor sound in front, i wanted to escape people talking. luckily for me, italians are mostly such short people. i could see the stage fairly well (way better than in germany, to say the least).
so there i stood. smoked a cigarette now and then. saw caribou. tried to not talk to anyone. crawled my way to the front now and then. stood. waited. and cried my fucking face out when they came on stage. i cried the entire concert. closing my eyes to not get disturbed by the people around me. i knew noone and were never to see them again. i coulnd't care less about how i looked, how i danced, only how i sounded so i tried not to sing out loud, even if i couldn't help it at times. but then people said "your voice, it's so fucking nice!!". i just said "whatever, it's my favorite band, of course i can sing along".
i cried. and cried. and cried. it never ended. my face must have swollen as if i had been taken a serious beating. i sure knew my soul had. this was the best thing i have ever experienced. the best concert. the best venue. the best story. the craziest and the best adventure, fulfilling a dream in a perfect manner. nothing could suit me better. nothing ever will. this was my life, my religion, everything fell into place. and i cried. from exhaustion. from happiness. from depression. from every feeling that ever was and had ever been, from every evangelic moment i've ever had with the band and their music from before, everything added up this night and turned me into a wreck. that was the most perfect day i've ever seen.
there was only one thing i managed to do after they went off stage. they left me in a state which i couldn't communicate to the outside world, which was why i didn't bother. i just kept my earplugs in, looked into the ground, kept on crying, had this enormous elephant stumping around inside of me, causing such a havoc. i didn't dare look at anyone, didn't dare risk contact, couldn't fake it to make it, i just had to give in to being an emotinal wreck. the world they left inside of me was too beautiful to comprehend.
i walked. and walked. in the cold. in the rain. thank god i have a decent sense of direction. reached the trainstation. nerves everywhere. fell asleep in a windowsill. woke up because the slight breeze felt like a storm all of a sudden. went to get some sleep in an other place, still outside. trains hammering by. people everywhere, trying to sleep. freezing cold. no train for the next four hours AT LEAST. i could not be happier. the train finally arrives. i fall asleep in an instant. the nicest guy that also followed them around (from portugal) waked me up after i told him i was to go off at Mestre. so nice, i felt i treated him a bit unfair, being all tired and having this huge need to be alone with my inner world that bloomed in a way not yet seen. i went off. in the place i loathed. mestre. i was certain a rape was waiting for me at the hotel. the clock is 7 am. try to open the door. no. it's locked. no one in the reception. i ring the bell. over and over. nothing. i just put a huge grin on my face and thing AH WHATEVER. i seriously could not be any happier. seriously. nothing bothered me. i just knew nothing mattered since i could so easily die happy now. the biggest exctasy i'll probably ever experience had just blew me away.
i sleep for an hour. so hungry. so cold. wake up, pack my bags, say a hasty goodby to the creepy receptionist thanking some god for not being raped, flee to the nearest place that sell coffee and wait for the train. the feeling follows me. it hammers across my body and mind. i'm on the verge of crying at all times. emotions everywhere. so alive. recalling the concert from last night all the time. it flows through me, my new bloodstream. it's the beating of my heart, it's everything. i can't eat, i can't sleep. i shiver as i poor some sugar into the cappuccino, thinking i am in desperate need for it. everyting is radiohead. every thought, every twitch. every cell. all i see. all i hear. i close my eyes. all i see. is them. all i hear, is their sound.
i proceed, take the train to milan. meet up with my sister who got left behind by her husband. he brought home their two children and she was there, alone, with the luggage. what a gentleman. the paid for the hotelroom, i couldn't sleep well, woke up at 6 pm, drank an unholy amount of coffee, buttered up a huge amount of food to bring along, knowing i was taking the train back home after arriving in oslo.
or was i? no, it turns out, everything is in it's right place - i'm going to berlin. to see radiohead. oh my bloody gosh!!! is this really happening?
ice age coming.
i tell my sister. she's not at all surprised. rental car. driving to berlin, hoping to make it to the first concert. not really making it. such a hurry. arrive. i drink beer in the car just to keep a composure. save money because beer on the inside is way expensive. we print out the tickets and a map on some obscure cafe. miss the warmup. ah well. radiohead goes on stage the very same minute after i purchased a certain amount of beer (which btw was the worst beer i've probably ever tasted. tasted? did i say taste? i should mention the lack thereof.)
we're in berlin. it's colder than expected. thoms voice is not at any peak, far from it. the sound is epic, yet. something's missing. he told us the city was awesome. the concert went on, but it was not as epic as codroipo. far from it. codroipo. i had them for myself. i gather some cigarettes, sing along with a fine woman standing behind me at times, get invited to join the wolfpack, go further in front. i just want to be alone. people talk. i'm too far from the stage. i can't get any closer. ask for more cigarettes. i'm not quite feeling it tonight. my mind wanders off. nothing feels as holy anymore. i guess thom just wasn't as into it as the last time we met. i'm greatful, still. keeping my eyes shut. dancing like an idiot. crying every now and then. make friends. but can't seem to make the right connections. no one that far back is anywhere near as big of a fan as i am. it feels weird. i feel too sober, even for radiohead. even with them on, my greatest intoxication so far, cannot touch me. well. i guess i'm just too exhausted. getting accustomed. 'this is a habit now'.
it ends. they walk off. all i know is, i HAVE to get back the next day. hoping thom will be fitter. he froze his ass off, no wonder it sounded in that very same manner. off. i walk instantly to the car. no ones there. i don't have the keys. i wander off into the forest. lie down there in the moonlight, thinking this is the best place to sleep ever! a forestfloor compared to the tiles at trainstations is like a luxury hotel. but it was too damn cold, after ten minuites i had to get up and walk around just to keep warm. still nobody at the car. cannot reach him on the phone. ah well. it really doesn't matter. i'm still happy as could be, i don't care. i walk alongside the street, trying to find something i can sleep in. whatever, at this point anything goes. i just want to keep somewhat warm.
suddenly i meet up with him. he just came running down the street! haha! what great luck, i cannot believe the coincidence. we sleep in the car.
morning. freezing cold everywhere. coffee, cappuccino. food? FINALLY. marathon. beer. walking. desperate attemtps at sleeping. drama. well, whatever. i'm seeing them again later on. no doubt.
i arrive at the venue. once again. now i feel on top of everything. i have decent amounts of time, but yet the front of the stage is really filled up. crowded. i have tobacco, beer and water. and a grin. roll up some smokes for the concert. go peeing for the last time. grab my beers, nasty as fuck, and head into the midst of the crowd. the sun is almost still up! holy fuck. try my hardest to find the right people to talk to. notice this beautiful girl standing next to me, thin, nibbling to a pretzl and drinking a beer. so pretty. looks like a smart one. she really is. two danes come up from behind. start talking to her (well duh, who could resist such an appealing beauty). she's from israel. talks the most perfect english, talks about only interesting matters. i have got to get included in all this. the danes include me. i love danes, omfg. we talk about all an nothing. the humor is perfect. fucking spot on. we're on wavelength. my ENFP-ness acts up and i take over the show, completely. the amount of admiration in their face is overwhelming to me, and fires up under my extraverted intuition. people start approaching me, asking about the concert. the warmup, the lineup, you name it. this is my forth concert in a row and they gaze upon me as if i were an expert. i haven't been this extraverted in so long, and it almost felt too good to be true. "i think i love you" was said more often than not.
suddenly, the obsessive fan, had fans.
ah well. that doesn't matter. i made friends. radiohead played Like Spinning Plates! holy fuck! i'm truly thankful for being alive, but recognize i'm getting really exhausted. i only knew this was the greatest thing to happen to me ever, but i still couldn't fully feel it. i just felt distracted by my own mind and by the people around me. closing my eyes and smoking didn't seem to help me keep in focus. i put out a cigarette on my hand. the burning sensation helps me feel alive and focus, but it's gone in an instant. 'just as you feel it, you don't. you've gone off the rails'.
i peak at some points. i dance. i recieve hugs. comments. i give comments. but i'm not quite there. and then, thom tells us this is his coldest fucking gig ever and he had no idea why anyone would want to hold a concert outside in october. he shows us his diplomatic side by flipping and telling off the guards when they try to stop the filming going on in the audience. he just says "colin! get your camera out too. i don't fucking mind it. this song is called 'staircase'" after a long tirade. haha! i've seen thom yorke flip someone off!! HAHAHAHA.
made my entire evening.
the setlist was amazing, this night too. i'm in love with everything. i asked the girl from israel to write "i want a goldfish in my beer" in hebrew and everything was flowing so nicely. yet, thom wasn't quite there this evening. it was nowhere near matching the epic presence they and we had in codroipo.
seeing radiohead live.
bologna:
i came off the ship at 10 pm or something. walked around in genoa with the bits and pieces of the family i travelled with. i had traintickets from genoa to bologna so i felt in control of the situation. yet, i was uncertain of everything. keeping calm was darn near impossible. i kept thinking about hostels, hotells and so on. no place to sleep, alone in fucking italy. never been to those places before, no idea where the venue is. so, when i finally arrive in bologna, i purchase a map, get my tickets out and ask a waiter if he knows where this is on the map and if i can walk there. he says "oh, for radiohead? they shiftet venues, it's in a different place now due to the earthquake! but not to worry, just go to busstop 25 and follow the fans". HOW LUCKY AM I? i almost went to the old venue, imagine if i sat there the entire time waiting while the concert went off somewhere else? OMFG. i'd kill myself. seriously.
so yes. i tip him alot and run off. busstop twentyfive. guess what meets me? hordes of people with the radioheadbear either tattooed or drawed on them. what hit me was "wtf? i never knew italy held so much fans of this kind!" and felt rather relieved and content. i just gazed at them with an open mouth that after a while turned into a smile and mumbled something to myself. i couldn't dare talk to them for some reason, just follow them around. i never paid for the busride, just hopped off when they hopped off and walked after them. no hotelroom, no place to put my stuff and so fucking on. but, i had three san miguels from barcelona in my purse, so i knew i would turn out just fine. as i approached the venue and the fences, i heard the italian tounge all around me. but then, suddenly, i heard sweedish! i practically ran in that direction shouting "DID I HEAR SOME SWEEDISH FELLOWS???" and they answered "why yes!" asked me if i had anyone else with me and when i told them i were alone they replied "well, not anymore!" and then we sat down in the grass and drank beer and talked about radiohead and music in general with the most excitement and passion i've seen in a long long LONG time.
since i had no place to put the bags, i had to improvise. i didn't come in with my orignial ticket since it was not purchased in my name and had to buy another one. they wouldn't see passed my desperate story (which actually was true! for the love of gods). i just dropped the bag in the soundtent, asked a guy if he could keep an watchfull eye over it and yes, he did, and started bying alot of small bottles of beer for 5€ each, being the only one finding the price reasonable. haha! norway.
then, everything ensues. my mind is in an utter fucked state, here i am, about to embark upon the experience that'll allow me to die happy, the ONE thing that's on my list of shit i've got to do before i die, talking to two swedes, in italy, drinking beer, no place to sleep, no idea what will happen, where my bag is and so on. happiest moment of my life so far. caribou enteres the stage. the show is amazing, we start to realise what a treat we're in for. the re-rig afterwards takes an eternity. people climbing weird ladders up to the top of the stage, the show is obviously going to be a breathtaker. the music playing whilst all this is going on is amazing and starts to get more and more thrilling untill the lights finally go off, everything goes quiet and the audience EXPLODES as radiohead enters the stage. and what a start! they burst into lotus flower and the setlist onwards after that is just beyond mindblowing!! THEY PLAYED I MIGHT BE WRONG!!!! HOLY SHAITE! i could not believe it really happened. seriously. i cried like a motherfucker and felt a sweap of paradise going through my entire being. oh my good grieves. i am the luckiest person ever. seriously!!
the gig went on like that, mindfuck after mindfuck, and when it all was over, we gathered ourselves, i actually found the bag and promised the italian guy a beer (in norway, which is like a fortune for them), he was in such a good spirit, i purchased a shirt and then we walked to the city center with all the other mindblown fans. it was chaos outside, no taxi, no bus, no car could ever leave. the infrastructure collapsed (ref. to house of cards, WHICH THEY ALSO PLAYED AS AN ENCORE) and we just strolled along, happy as could be. drank beer when finally in the centre, talked about random shit and finally fell asleep on the floor of the trainstation. by how, that was uncomfortable.
then i said goodbye to them, proceed on my own to codroipo after taking the wrong train and so on, get a shaite hotelroom (one star, 27€) in Mestre, venice, thought i was going to get raped by the receptionist who tried to kiss me, took a shower and ran to the trainstation.
well. i had a ticket to codroipo. no idea what the city is like. just thought it would be of significant size since fucking radiohead was playing there. get on the train. see nobody else that seems to be going to the concert. no sign of any fans! i start chugging down beer just to keep calm and realising we're actually heading out in the vast nothingness of northern italy. the cities turn into towns, and then villages, and then the trainstations get smaller and smaller and i have no idea where the fuck i'm at, where i'm going, if this is the right way, if i can find the venue after disembarking in codroipo and so on. but all i can do is keep my cool. i actually considered going back to get some sleep and just forget about the concert, didn't think this was a good idea to pursue, but i knew that was just something to forget, all my life has come down to is in this very moment - seeing them live. again. holy fuck.
FINALLY after hours of not knowing where the fuck i am, no sign of any fans and so on, i get to codroipo. it's just as empty as the traincarts, but i was lucky enough to spot a small paper hanging on the wall telling about the concert and were it is. it's an about 4-5 km walk out of the city. a taxidriver asks me if i need a ride, i just ask him "which direction and how far?" and that i'll walk, easily, drinking beer and just stay in this confused but euphoric state of mind. i spot to people looking a bit confused and ask if they're going to the venue. they say yes, ask if i know where it is, and i just put on a big fucking smile, wave my arms and say a loud no! in such a manic way. i laugh. they laugh. we all agree this is crazy, radiohead playing in this small small town/village (I MEAN, IT REALLY WAS SO SMALL!!!). she's from russia, he's from greece. i'm from norway. we tag along, agreed upon that buying beer, water and coffee was the only right thing to do and then keep walking. we had no idea where we were going. tried to ask a local woman of significant age, she didn't know english but told us in italian. we just "ah right, thank you!" and went by. found a supermarked. bought beer. drank outside. saw a guy WITH a fucking beer walking somewhere and decided he was prbably going to the concert as well. we followed untill we stopped what seemed like a local weirdo carrying to full grocerybags. we thought he was going home, but no, he was heading for the concert and brought beer in waterbottles because you could actually get it inside of the venue. smartass. he showed us the way and it was a long walk left. suddenly this lady we had asked for directions stops besides us, tells us to jump into the car and she fucking drives us the rest of the way. talk about local friendlyness. the outskirts of all countries usually hold such nice people with loads of time and effort on their hands. bless her!
it starts raining like crazy. it's an open venue. loads of grass. outside i buy a poncho for 5€. i called the guy a bloodsucker and it was the worst 5€ i've ever spent. seriously. the poncho just fell apart the minute i opened it. i try to get myself in on the tickets i printed, telling the same old story, and then i spot the same guy from yesterday. holy shit! i tell him "why the fuck would i buy FOUR fucking tickets on the black marked for this one concert??" since there was still original tickets left for sale. he finally told me he was on my side, that he was here to help me, that he believed me and after a while i got through. i got fucking through!! they let me in! i get my wristband, they scan the tickets, I GET THROUGH! with the beer in my hand and all! i go crazy. i jump around and give them all a big fucking hug, start crying like a baby and shout "this is my fucking favorite fucking band in the whole entire fucking world" or something like that and just RUN inside after stopping for a great big cry and a gathering of myself in a less crowded place (bushes).
it rained like crazy. the tickets were soaked because of the back and forth at the entrance. they almost couldn't scan them. but they fucking believed me!! i love that guy now and i will NEVER forget his face.
inside i just keep on crying for a bit and walk around with a feeling that cannot be described. both severe manic happiness and rough depression at the same time. i'm on the edge of every feeling you could possibly ever imagine having and it rains, the ground gets wet and mud starts to appear. i go buy beer, drag out my camera, drink, walk, smile, gaze, cry, and talk to random people. get my hands on some cigarettes and small bottles of beer for the purse (which btw was pure GENIOUS!! thank you italy! inventive and practical sods). go to the toilet one last time and wander into the midst of the crowd. the venue is nowhere near full and there's no wonder. not too many people travel into the vast nothingness to see this band. which was great! i felt i had them for myself, more or less.
i obsessed about being alone. i had to be alone. in the front. i had to see the stage better this time. come closer to them. i couldn't care less about the poor sound in front, i wanted to escape people talking. luckily for me, italians are mostly such short people. i could see the stage fairly well (way better than in germany, to say the least).
so there i stood. smoked a cigarette now and then. saw caribou. tried to not talk to anyone. crawled my way to the front now and then. stood. waited. and cried my fucking face out when they came on stage. i cried the entire concert. closing my eyes to not get disturbed by the people around me. i knew noone and were never to see them again. i coulnd't care less about how i looked, how i danced, only how i sounded so i tried not to sing out loud, even if i couldn't help it at times. but then people said "your voice, it's so fucking nice!!". i just said "whatever, it's my favorite band, of course i can sing along".
i cried. and cried. and cried. it never ended. my face must have swollen as if i had been taken a serious beating. i sure knew my soul had. this was the best thing i have ever experienced. the best concert. the best venue. the best story. the craziest and the best adventure, fulfilling a dream in a perfect manner. nothing could suit me better. nothing ever will. this was my life, my religion, everything fell into place. and i cried. from exhaustion. from happiness. from depression. from every feeling that ever was and had ever been, from every evangelic moment i've ever had with the band and their music from before, everything added up this night and turned me into a wreck. that was the most perfect day i've ever seen.
there was only one thing i managed to do after they went off stage. they left me in a state which i couldn't communicate to the outside world, which was why i didn't bother. i just kept my earplugs in, looked into the ground, kept on crying, had this enormous elephant stumping around inside of me, causing such a havoc. i didn't dare look at anyone, didn't dare risk contact, couldn't fake it to make it, i just had to give in to being an emotinal wreck. the world they left inside of me was too beautiful to comprehend.
i walked. and walked. in the cold. in the rain. thank god i have a decent sense of direction. reached the trainstation. nerves everywhere. fell asleep in a windowsill. woke up because the slight breeze felt like a storm all of a sudden. went to get some sleep in an other place, still outside. trains hammering by. people everywhere, trying to sleep. freezing cold. no train for the next four hours AT LEAST. i could not be happier. the train finally arrives. i fall asleep in an instant. the nicest guy that also followed them around (from portugal) waked me up after i told him i was to go off at Mestre. so nice, i felt i treated him a bit unfair, being all tired and having this huge need to be alone with my inner world that bloomed in a way not yet seen. i went off. in the place i loathed. mestre. i was certain a rape was waiting for me at the hotel. the clock is 7 am. try to open the door. no. it's locked. no one in the reception. i ring the bell. over and over. nothing. i just put a huge grin on my face and thing AH WHATEVER. i seriously could not be any happier. seriously. nothing bothered me. i just knew nothing mattered since i could so easily die happy now. the biggest exctasy i'll probably ever experience had just blew me away.
i sleep for an hour. so hungry. so cold. wake up, pack my bags, say a hasty goodby to the creepy receptionist thanking some god for not being raped, flee to the nearest place that sell coffee and wait for the train. the feeling follows me. it hammers across my body and mind. i'm on the verge of crying at all times. emotions everywhere. so alive. recalling the concert from last night all the time. it flows through me, my new bloodstream. it's the beating of my heart, it's everything. i can't eat, i can't sleep. i shiver as i poor some sugar into the cappuccino, thinking i am in desperate need for it. everyting is radiohead. every thought, every twitch. every cell. all i see. all i hear. i close my eyes. all i see. is them. all i hear, is their sound.
i proceed, take the train to milan. meet up with my sister who got left behind by her husband. he brought home their two children and she was there, alone, with the luggage. what a gentleman. the paid for the hotelroom, i couldn't sleep well, woke up at 6 pm, drank an unholy amount of coffee, buttered up a huge amount of food to bring along, knowing i was taking the train back home after arriving in oslo.
or was i? no, it turns out, everything is in it's right place - i'm going to berlin. to see radiohead. oh my bloody gosh!!! is this really happening?
ice age coming.
i tell my sister. she's not at all surprised. rental car. driving to berlin, hoping to make it to the first concert. not really making it. such a hurry. arrive. i drink beer in the car just to keep a composure. save money because beer on the inside is way expensive. we print out the tickets and a map on some obscure cafe. miss the warmup. ah well. radiohead goes on stage the very same minute after i purchased a certain amount of beer (which btw was the worst beer i've probably ever tasted. tasted? did i say taste? i should mention the lack thereof.)
we're in berlin. it's colder than expected. thoms voice is not at any peak, far from it. the sound is epic, yet. something's missing. he told us the city was awesome. the concert went on, but it was not as epic as codroipo. far from it. codroipo. i had them for myself. i gather some cigarettes, sing along with a fine woman standing behind me at times, get invited to join the wolfpack, go further in front. i just want to be alone. people talk. i'm too far from the stage. i can't get any closer. ask for more cigarettes. i'm not quite feeling it tonight. my mind wanders off. nothing feels as holy anymore. i guess thom just wasn't as into it as the last time we met. i'm greatful, still. keeping my eyes shut. dancing like an idiot. crying every now and then. make friends. but can't seem to make the right connections. no one that far back is anywhere near as big of a fan as i am. it feels weird. i feel too sober, even for radiohead. even with them on, my greatest intoxication so far, cannot touch me. well. i guess i'm just too exhausted. getting accustomed. 'this is a habit now'.
it ends. they walk off. all i know is, i HAVE to get back the next day. hoping thom will be fitter. he froze his ass off, no wonder it sounded in that very same manner. off. i walk instantly to the car. no ones there. i don't have the keys. i wander off into the forest. lie down there in the moonlight, thinking this is the best place to sleep ever! a forestfloor compared to the tiles at trainstations is like a luxury hotel. but it was too damn cold, after ten minuites i had to get up and walk around just to keep warm. still nobody at the car. cannot reach him on the phone. ah well. it really doesn't matter. i'm still happy as could be, i don't care. i walk alongside the street, trying to find something i can sleep in. whatever, at this point anything goes. i just want to keep somewhat warm.
suddenly i meet up with him. he just came running down the street! haha! what great luck, i cannot believe the coincidence. we sleep in the car.
morning. freezing cold everywhere. coffee, cappuccino. food? FINALLY. marathon. beer. walking. desperate attemtps at sleeping. drama. well, whatever. i'm seeing them again later on. no doubt.
i arrive at the venue. once again. now i feel on top of everything. i have decent amounts of time, but yet the front of the stage is really filled up. crowded. i have tobacco, beer and water. and a grin. roll up some smokes for the concert. go peeing for the last time. grab my beers, nasty as fuck, and head into the midst of the crowd. the sun is almost still up! holy fuck. try my hardest to find the right people to talk to. notice this beautiful girl standing next to me, thin, nibbling to a pretzl and drinking a beer. so pretty. looks like a smart one. she really is. two danes come up from behind. start talking to her (well duh, who could resist such an appealing beauty). she's from israel. talks the most perfect english, talks about only interesting matters. i have got to get included in all this. the danes include me. i love danes, omfg. we talk about all an nothing. the humor is perfect. fucking spot on. we're on wavelength. my ENFP-ness acts up and i take over the show, completely. the amount of admiration in their face is overwhelming to me, and fires up under my extraverted intuition. people start approaching me, asking about the concert. the warmup, the lineup, you name it. this is my forth concert in a row and they gaze upon me as if i were an expert. i haven't been this extraverted in so long, and it almost felt too good to be true. "i think i love you" was said more often than not.
suddenly, the obsessive fan, had fans.
ah well. that doesn't matter. i made friends. radiohead played Like Spinning Plates! holy fuck! i'm truly thankful for being alive, but recognize i'm getting really exhausted. i only knew this was the greatest thing to happen to me ever, but i still couldn't fully feel it. i just felt distracted by my own mind and by the people around me. closing my eyes and smoking didn't seem to help me keep in focus. i put out a cigarette on my hand. the burning sensation helps me feel alive and focus, but it's gone in an instant. 'just as you feel it, you don't. you've gone off the rails'.
i peak at some points. i dance. i recieve hugs. comments. i give comments. but i'm not quite there. and then, thom tells us this is his coldest fucking gig ever and he had no idea why anyone would want to hold a concert outside in october. he shows us his diplomatic side by flipping and telling off the guards when they try to stop the filming going on in the audience. he just says "colin! get your camera out too. i don't fucking mind it. this song is called 'staircase'" after a long tirade. haha! i've seen thom yorke flip someone off!! HAHAHAHA.
made my entire evening.
the setlist was amazing, this night too. i'm in love with everything. i asked the girl from israel to write "i want a goldfish in my beer" in hebrew and everything was flowing so nicely. yet, thom wasn't quite there this evening. it was nowhere near matching the epic presence they and we had in codroipo.
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