severed limbs along the railroad

persuaded by insanity
the x at the corner of all things

how to recognize passion
choke on a pint of liquid books

sober and bored
got to stay stuffed

everybody laughs, nothing is real
being social feels like work

trust is blindness
the stench of future slaughter



(an edited version of previous texts which has now become lyrics)

needs make us needy

hurling towards extinction

the chance at life is lost on us

fighting over the remains

clear visions of oblivion

clogged wormholes

carbon wasteland

the endless stench of bullshit

all is gold

until you look for it

trial and error

banks without locks

crawling out of corners

the pattern of logic

has become random

absent without leave

everyone is biased by everything.

i hated one show at the bukta festival. and, i appeared to be lonely in that opinion. war on drugs did deliver, somehow, yet did nothing to meet my expectations. i stood there wondering (since i haven't listen much to them at all, only heard stories of those who had), is this band overhyped? why were my expectations so high? why can't they meet them? and why the fuck is there a saxophone-player on stage if i can't bloody hear the fucker? the sound-mixing was godawful to my ears. way too much bass from the drums and, duh, the bass-guitar, thus making the songs appear way too monotonous. way too subtle vocals, they got blurred out and i weren't able to pick out any lyrics. way too early in the day. they played at 17:30. it was impossible for me to enjoy the show. which pretty much infuriated anybody i talked to about it. i thought it sucked, everyone else though it was the most brilliant thing ever to happen at this festival. or to their life or something. whatever! the feeling i was left with went in a lot of directions. am i wrong or am i just a horrible person for thinking and then saying it sucked? etc.

even though i verbalized my reasonings, the enthusiasm people tried to communicate suffered a quick yet horrible death when facing me.

i've noticed a trend. i know absolutely nothing about music anymore since i can't concentrate or bother to remember/categorize whatever i might do research on, yet i'm quick to utter my quasi-opinions on whatever band people claim they like. why? what the fuck has happened. i've just devolved into a complete douche and i have absolutely nothing to back it up with, apart from the obvious constipation.

"oh you like *that band*, you think they're great and are going to their gig next week? well ENJOY, they SUCK and i feel sorry for you!" pretty much sums up every conversation i've had about music in general these days. unless they talk about a band i actually like. then i'm all pink and pretty and overly spastic in my halfwitted attempt to describe what i think i think.

this worries me. this trend is absurd. i've gone from being well knowledgeable and rather pleasant in discussions about music to be 'that guy' who put an immediate end to everything by storming ahead with an underdeveloped so-called opinion, which only causes anyones respect for me to plummet into a rapid extinction since i won't quit. a hateful crank. that's what i am. (or maybe just overfed and sick since i go to a lot of concerts)

i also hated dropkick murphys. they live well and somewhat prosper by making songs for rednecks who think a cheap, overdone imitation of keltic music and the irish pub-culture is cool. only because gimmicks sell in the us of a shitpile. we only need one of those bands, and flogging molly does the best job turning imported keltic influences into punk. but what do i know, i'm just a wannabe poser.

and don't even get me started on imperial state electric.. since i left the concert after being tortured by them for three songs or more. i don't even know. they all sounded the same. and they all sounded like the first page in a book of cliches issued on the first day of any course in "how to be a pleaser for crowds who think they like rock-music!" i know that the main guy in the band has a shit ton of merits on his resume, but that does not mean his pet-project of the moment is a heavenly compilation of well-crafted originality that really hits home on a deeper level than "look how shiny and oversized my hat is, look how many faces i can make during a performance and look how loud i have to yell." bitch please, go jerk off in your wardrobe and stop annoying us. grin grin grin gimmick gimmick gimmick and a me that gets physically ill from standing anywhere near the reach of their immense need to make the crowd dance euphorically.

and... the worst band i've ever had to endure a concert with. the notoriously shaite skambankt. luckily i'm out of words to describe how much i hate them at this point, so i'll just trust that mentioning the name will repulse accordingly.


sorry.
sorry sorry sorry.

signed
sorry

other than that, the festival was incredibly awesome. a decent special brew for the occasion on draft, a beautiful outdoors environment, free dried cod if you were willing to hammer it edible by yourself and an otherwise stunning lineup. how can you go wrong with names like gallows, mastodon, spidergawd, pentagram, opeth, patti smith, the bronx and even mari boine. holy utter mindfuck done exactly right.

equivocate

fathom bomb
a doctor who somkes

climbing ladders just to get elsewhere
the probability of failure or success

there's no stopping
round shapes are fundamentally natural
circles, cycles, eyeballs, planets

i'm all done, nothing more to write
this was once a genuine need, now it's only faulty drivel to pass time
it gives me excuses to hate myself even more
a cancer
every word is forced these days
don't mark them
cancer, pus, residue
dead moths
an ego so big that the world's in orbit around it

yes, we're all lucky to be alive
but happiness is only found at the end of hard work
it's a job



all this drama
all for nothing

there's a switch

that turns itself on
i do not know where it's located
but when off,
i spend all my time trying to locate that switch
which sends me straight into outer space

i'm obviously not in the cockpit
instead, prescribe me drugs mixed in a cocktail

drinking under the influence of chaos

are you depressed? yes.

are you lonely? i don't know.

do you believe life is more? i think that i think so.

are you happy with this situation? sometimes i couldn't ask for more, sometimes i'm so happy i could die without any regrets about it.

do you realise it's not constructive? by all means, yes. absolutely. it's the only indication that i'm not full-blown crazy. but, even though i know it's bad, most of the time i long for destruction.

do you cry a lot? from time to time, that's all i do. until i just can't anymore.

do you wish you had done things differently? with every cell and fibre of my being of every second of every day, yes. who doesn't.

do you feel like a weird individual? not anymore. i get shaky when my blood-sugar is off, does that count?

do you appreciate the same things you used to? no. not in the same way. i just know deep down that i once had some feelings about the subject in question.

are you more subjective than objective? i'm not the one to answer that question.

do you care a lot about the impression you make or leave? well.

have you ever been in love? many times. but i'm unable to maintain any other relationship than that i have with my disorders, since they are hard to get away from. like a marriage when divorce had yet to be invented.

do you think you are or will be significant in any way? no, my logic tells me that's irrational. the human race is due to be wiped out at some point, so why bother with legacy.

are we more than molecules and atoms cooperating? duh. we only think we are something special when they're imbalanced.

do you have a problem with the saying 'everyone's a critic'? i'm torn. i know i am a critic, but what does that even mean? everybody might be wrong, and at most times, they sure are. so which critic should we listen to since everyone is one. i think you should listen to yourself - we're all just shooting our own feet at any given moment. mass-suggestion is still a problem, even though we live in the age of the ultimate democracy, namely the internet. läser man en tidning får man för sig att dom vet vad som står på.

do you drink too much? yes. and it's not nearly enough.

do you think you're too smart for your own good? sometimes, yes. which means i'm not.

do you believe in the easy way out? i believe it's only a default-mode.

what describes who you want to be? delusions.

do you believe in coincidences and do you claim to 'feel' them coming on? i believe in calculation, logic and rational thinking. if you see a pattern, subconsciously or consciously, you base your calculations upon them, and that's why coincidences seemingly appear. you expect them, and if that expectation is met, it's no longer a coincidence. i think a lot of people are confused on this subject. as to wether i can feel them or not. that is a matter of the separation between the subconscious and the conscious level. feelings are not irrational. i believe in them on a rational level, which makes my feelings variably relevant, if you understand where i'm going with that. i could explain, perhaps. or maybe not. feelings are difficult to comprehend. i just don't truly know where the line is drawn between them and rational thinking, because i don't think that line even exists. we are under their influence all the time. every other claim is a lie. most people just put way too much emphasis on their first conclusion, often derived from these so-called feelings that appear. the rational, nor the irrational, does not end where feelings begin. i hope, to the extent of being desperate, that most people would be able to think/feel for a bit longer instead of grabbing a hold on to the first feeling/thought they experience. you can rationalize feelings, and you can feel the rational. that's my answer, i guess. but everyone's a critic and i might be wrong. i don't even cite any references. these are just my thoughts, which may very well be insanely irrational. i'm fully aware of that. which thus inclines me to not believe anything at all. but what am i without belief? i must then ask.

what is cosmos to you? war against everybody and their ideas.

i would also like to add - i regret that mood has such an impact on how we perceive things. what we say and do is ultimately motivated by the chemistry in our brains. mood is who we are in a certain moment, and it changes constantly. mood is not absolutely everything, but it manipulates us a great deal.

what do you think about what others think? i think that i should think less about it. rumors spread too easily and i don't ever want to be part of that aspect of our world. i've never been much fond of them. ever. rumors make or break you. simply put, you are nothing more than your rumor. which is one of our great downfalls as a race, if and since you asked me.

what are your reflections around what you spend your energy on? all or nothing. again, it boils down to mood. substances. we humans might believe we're powerful, but. substances has the power. molecules that fit in a specific receptor. we depend on them, they define everything. might i add, they're also perceived as god in a way too great lot of individuals.

do you believe in anything? alcohol.

is loud music okay? only when you are or have the need to be alone.

the brain looks like a cloud and mine feels like one too

i'm terrible at goodbyes. so terrible, i often don't even want to say hello.
breaking up a visit or meeting always feels so awkward and unnatural, especially when it doesn't have a real, specific ending to it.
this can actually be the sole reason why i prefer to stay alone at home an entire evening.


what the actual butt mind fuck.

and in an instance, everything changes forever.
after an incidence, nothing shall remain the same.

a different hue, a new smell, a recurring thought
how long can just a little last