tripel

yes. as the universe keeps expanding, my world seems to be constantly shrinking. i don't know why this is, but it might be related to my general health and status. i'm just not keen enough to keep things from imploding. the more responsibilities and the less time i appear to have due to them, makes me really uncomfortable. i don't neccessairly value the constructive sides of engaging in certain matters if they don't imply me and my health being at the centre.
yes. constantly shrinking.
this has become an engulfing problem. i'm drowning in the tidal waves. taking more saltwater on board than what is considered healthy for a person of my build.
fucking analogies.
well.
addicted to novelty, addicted to breezing through things, just to leave me with more time to be lazy and think about all the shit that bothers me. i desperately want to shrink. i want to become invisible. i want to be of no importance. my role is to just let things slide. if i could sit on the top of the world, my only motivation for doing so was to observe all the idiots mocking about on ground-level.
i don't want to take part. i don't want to change anything. the minds of others are in the way of me doing my own little thing. the only reassurance i need, is to feel safe just being.
it's simple enough. i'm just as confused as the next person, but only if they demand that i open my yap and share my thoughts ever so often. left to my own self, i'm somewhat remotely close to the means of control. if forced to engage, i flip out and easily become quite hysterical.

i'm shrinking. i don't answer the phone. i don't answer messages on the web. they drain me too much. having to think in different patterns and consider what is suitable to a situation or person or both smothered together in a great mess, just baffles me and leaves a disarray which i then have to recover from.
it seems. this is but simple guessing. please give me the time and space needed to exist, or else, i'll shrink even more, or worse still, cease to exist.
the force of caring needs to come from within. one cannot force me to take part. the damage such notion will inflict is too much to bear. you can take my skin, my pattern and my recognised means out there to see the wonders, but i'm not there with you. extended animation does not do much for me.
the wonders of the world will stay mere objects/obstacles unless I make the decision to actively seek them.

i'm quite happy here. in my own messy universe. that's slowly becoming of no significance to others. that seems to be the ultimate goal. interactions change you forever, and i'm weary of being somebody else. i yearn to be me, and that person is so small, not easily detected and will be scared away by even the smallest of threats.

i won't say 'please leave me be' and mean it. because it's unhealthy. but i need time in order to want to grow.
you cannot motivate me. only feed me with information and then wait for me to process it.

that's when i expand.