feign as we do, concur to recur

i'm a live human being
yet i share the interests of a zombie:
  brains


why art?
well.. why the ability to understand and have human emotion?


crossing lines, creating patterns, clear wide open heads, seeking nothingness, the meaning of, everything falls in perfect circles
the smell
we're always here to pass judgement
resist the urge to feel mistreated

think about how repetitive it all is

well. i'm about to retire.
bring it into a field.
crops and grains,
visual feelings.

into this, into that, input here input there
formed by the masses, edited by yourself
edited by the masses, formed by yourself.
which one is it, if not both

nagging about previous order
meh, what is reality anyways
if not relative

i'm absolutely not here
my mind wanders vast distances before settling an internal argument.
there's peace behind every corner that i can't seem to get around.
frustrated, anxious and impatient, i run in an attempt to uncover why i can't find health
i'm unaware of a certain state, as if i'm stuck on a fictional treadmill, resulting in a lot of effort, yet rendered unable to get anywhere. the lack of sense and meaning manifest itself in a confused and dazzled way of being, interacting, pleading, and even offers an exaggerated need for escapism.
being constantly in this state, feels somewhat unreal to me. as if i'm just dreaming and patiently waiting to one day wake up readily clearheaded in spite of all the nightmares. this makes dealing with the issues of the present very unmotivating and somewhat impossible. things that appear to be out of my control, is often left out there, hanging around, ready to be picked up by whatever wind coming its way whilst my damaged self engage in other activities, neverminding the haunting issues that's constantly nagging and disrupting me.
i misinterpret this by claiming i don't care, when in reality i simply neglect rather obvious facts about my status quo.
unable to regain the consciousness needed to deal with problems i refuse to identify with, i bring this turmoil into every situation. i one day wish for freedom, relaxation, inner peace and constructive behaviour, but it seems so far away i cannot even summon the courage to take the first step and prefer to stay deliousional, ignorant, agitated and highly obnoxious. at least, that's familiar.

well. all is not well. to say the least. yet i hesitate to fathom these rather uncontrollable and highly doubted insights. keeping them at a distance, since identifying with problems of such nature feels like a far cry from who i 'am', or rather - desperately want to be.

so many hurdles. so many toxic relationships with important nuances. so much turmoil and likelihood of great illness.

but still, i think to myself that meh, this is an illusion. wake up, you pathetic excuse of a person.