i have an annoying condition

which revolves around
me
not
being
honest
with myself.

annoyance has its strange ways.

i have my strange ways.

logic and reasoning, but yet i leave out one of the most important mechanisms for defining something: honesty.

for putting things in a corner. for breaking off branches and tidy up a complicated mess of either emotions, situations, complex problems or the likes.

i fase honesty out as if it was a molecule of carbondioxide.
logic and reason has yet to explain this weird action to me.

they feel left out, cross their arms and say "look, we're just gonna stand here and make random assumptions untill you realise how far off from eachother we really are" whilst chewing gum just to make everything unnecessarily complicated.

well i'll be damned.
fasing out honesty is like NOT walking over a bridge onto new scenery, just because the bridge looks a bit old and makes weird noises.
i dare not take the steps onto what might be my defeating fall into an imaginary abyss.
obviously, i'd rather just stand here being afraid of what might have been instead of embracing the fact that everything moves on and it's beneficial to play on the same team as your logic, your reason and your weird chemical mishaps, also known as emotions.

simple momentarily denial will feed a growing demon inside of you for lifetimes to come.
nothing makes bad stuff thrive more than your own disloyalty and dishonesty to yourself.
the shame. yet, it mutes itself with even more layers of dishonesty.

break this habit. i hate having blurred out emotions that makes no sense, to which my reaction is to paint over these red dots with a thick layer of special paint designed to kill fungus and mold.

i'm so sick of this making me sick.

i tell myself lies.
i don't tell myself "it's all a lie!"

and everything stays every bit as confusing as always.