icecold and exposed, seen through as the lies pile up like bodies after a pandemic episode

things are usually good. but they are more usually even greater when understood.

so to speak, the struggle of understanding things is well worth the effort of getting there.

this goes for all aspects in life, but understanding ones own thoughts and analysis is way easier than taking a chew on somebody elses. this translates to me thinking alot because i'm too lazy to read up on what others think.

which also means i tend towards creating my own reality to some extent. it's alot of fun for me but way confusing for others.


i've come to realise i'm not all that depressed. i'm just overly sensitive towards people i find lacking in certain areas. for instance, we have this head of mine that obviously live in another place, with other rules and other importancies than treating people politically correct and polite - my own rules have been applied and those are the ones to follow. when people stomp their way straight passed them i get seriously agitated.
this is a buirden, yes. but it is also i sign i should get out more and absorb the average reality of the people i find quite interesting. that may enhance my mindfullness, my intellect and my general understanding of the tree dimentions we usually occupy ourselves in.

the hang towards being polite and following common rules is the easiest path to follow for an easy life and a well of polite people that really like you because you're polite too. you show a common understanding for eachothers learned rules, norms and habits. it's all nice when you suddenly meet them in the mall, you always have loads to talk about because you're both polite enough to bother catching up with eachother.

well. at most times, i couldn't care less how other peoples life go. how their kid is doing or how their job is fulfilling/exhausting. how they either badmouth others with awful gossip or how they plan to travel with friends to common places with common people they'd absolutely love to catch up with.

this is the hardest thing, at times. i feel not at home here, nor there. the place i'm at home is in my own head when it pleases me with different and exhilarating thoughts and perspectives on both the weirdest and the most common things within reach of our senses.

being polite is not my thing, but i know i have to learn it.
that will be my mission.


errrr... or not. i will use this to my advantage - which of course allows me to continue being lazy.

to bring out the best in me. what is that and who does that? what does that? who is in charge and what responsibility will follow such vast assumptions?
i think i know when i'm at my best. it's called flow.
but flow and conciousness has a hard time collaborating. at least in my nutcase. at times.
at most times. at all times. slightly concious is always good. overconcious is poison.
the best in me is at rest. it lies there, waiting for that sudden moment that'll tease it towards the surface of my face. of my being.
being me.

we humans have so much freetime, in which we read what other people does with theirs.


when we were children and bored, we let our fantasy take over and played. what we do now when bored, is watching other people play. acting, you know. television.
whic also brings out a certain nostalgia in me, because i sure miss being able to spend my time inside a fantasy.


but whatever. i'm really tired and recently happened to notice i have been hungry for at least a month. or something down that road. depression. it deprives me of a healthy apetite.


one can't boil down a soup out of an empty soul.
stupidity chokes me. pardon.