bright and bubbly

friend

or enemy

whatever the likes

i would absolutely NOT wish this travesty upon them;

..moving back home

i'm having troubles with my mom. i think she's with the mafia.
or the nazis.
i forget.
but the main problem is the CONSTANT currents of adrenaline and other fear/angerendhancing hormones when she's near by (remenicing about stomping feet at tremendous speeds).
they always want something out of you, don't they?
they always judge you for whatever you decide to do, don't they?
they always push you in a direction you never seem to understand, don't they?
they always boss you around, shouting like crazy if somethings out of order and gives you the hives by doing so, don't they?

they always seem like such good people, but you always know better

if there's some cause i've faught for a long time, it's gotta be irrationality.
that's my main prior. LURK IT OUT, DAMNIT WILL YOU PLEASE COME ON! FUCKING HELL.
problem is. my mother's full of that shit. she can't seem to ever leave me alone.

as a teenager i had a much better relationship to her than i do now.
what has that cause?
well. i'm restless. i'm choking. i'm living far from my work. i've moved BACK HOME (???) a couple of times and i seem to be stuck in a routine of doing things i utterly hate.
this feeling came to me very strong yesternight.
i didn't deal with it.
i just sat it out, watchin telly with my dad. thinking about wasted hours
thinking about "we used to wait"
wanting to burst into tears, but realising that's irrational.

simply grab a thighter hold onto the remote-control
it makes perfect sense, in a nonsensible way
it's intoxicating
you forget all your troubles
push them aside
you become an expert in certain fields
such as denying the truth that suddenly occured to you

in stead of living your own life
you're waisting yours
by sitting in the same fucking chair
as always
watching other peoples lives
and how they chose to fill them
how they chase their dreams
what professions they have
what exites them
watching watching watching
and thinking thinking thinking

i could have had it so much better



i'm knee-deep in this shit
and it's terror

but
it's a given fact
we humans always focus on the negative perspective on things

but this time around
i don't know which eyes i'm looking through