drinking under the influence of chaos

are you depressed? yes.

are you lonely? i don't know.

do you believe life is more? i think that i think so.

are you happy with this situation? sometimes i couldn't ask for more, sometimes i'm so happy i could die without any regrets about it.

do you realise it's not constructive? by all means, yes. absolutely. it's the only indication that i'm not full-blown crazy. but, even though i know it's bad, most of the time i long for destruction.

do you cry a lot? from time to time, that's all i do. until i just can't anymore.

do you wish you had done things differently? with every cell and fibre of my being of every second of every day, yes. who doesn't.

do you feel like a weird individual? not anymore. i get shaky when my blood-sugar is off, does that count?

do you appreciate the same things you used to? no. not in the same way. i just know deep down that i once had some feelings about the subject in question.

are you more subjective than objective? i'm not the one to answer that question.

do you care a lot about the impression you make or leave? well.

have you ever been in love? many times. but i'm unable to maintain any other relationship than that i have with my disorders, since they are hard to get away from. like a marriage when divorce had yet to be invented.

do you think you are or will be significant in any way? no, my logic tells me that's irrational. the human race is due to be wiped out at some point, so why bother with legacy.

are we more than molecules and atoms cooperating? duh. we only think we are something special when they're imbalanced.

do you have a problem with the saying 'everyone's a critic'? i'm torn. i know i am a critic, but what does that even mean? everybody might be wrong, and at most times, they sure are. so which critic should we listen to since everyone is one. i think you should listen to yourself - we're all just shooting our own feet at any given moment. mass-suggestion is still a problem, even though we live in the age of the ultimate democracy, namely the internet. läser man en tidning får man för sig att dom vet vad som står på.

do you drink too much? yes. and it's not nearly enough.

do you think you're too smart for your own good? sometimes, yes. which means i'm not.

do you believe in the easy way out? i believe it's only a default-mode.

what describes who you want to be? delusions.

do you believe in coincidences and do you claim to 'feel' them coming on? i believe in calculation, logic and rational thinking. if you see a pattern, subconsciously or consciously, you base your calculations upon them, and that's why coincidences seemingly appear. you expect them, and if that expectation is met, it's no longer a coincidence. i think a lot of people are confused on this subject. as to wether i can feel them or not. that is a matter of the separation between the subconscious and the conscious level. feelings are not irrational. i believe in them on a rational level, which makes my feelings variably relevant, if you understand where i'm going with that. i could explain, perhaps. or maybe not. feelings are difficult to comprehend. i just don't truly know where the line is drawn between them and rational thinking, because i don't think that line even exists. we are under their influence all the time. every other claim is a lie. most people just put way too much emphasis on their first conclusion, often derived from these so-called feelings that appear. the rational, nor the irrational, does not end where feelings begin. i hope, to the extent of being desperate, that most people would be able to think/feel for a bit longer instead of grabbing a hold on to the first feeling/thought they experience. you can rationalize feelings, and you can feel the rational. that's my answer, i guess. but everyone's a critic and i might be wrong. i don't even cite any references. these are just my thoughts, which may very well be insanely irrational. i'm fully aware of that. which thus inclines me to not believe anything at all. but what am i without belief? i must then ask.

what is cosmos to you? war against everybody and their ideas.

i would also like to add - i regret that mood has such an impact on how we perceive things. what we say and do is ultimately motivated by the chemistry in our brains. mood is who we are in a certain moment, and it changes constantly. mood is not absolutely everything, but it manipulates us a great deal.

what do you think about what others think? i think that i should think less about it. rumors spread too easily and i don't ever want to be part of that aspect of our world. i've never been much fond of them. ever. rumors make or break you. simply put, you are nothing more than your rumor. which is one of our great downfalls as a race, if and since you asked me.

what are your reflections around what you spend your energy on? all or nothing. again, it boils down to mood. substances. we humans might believe we're powerful, but. substances has the power. molecules that fit in a specific receptor. we depend on them, they define everything. might i add, they're also perceived as god in a way too great lot of individuals.

do you believe in anything? alcohol.

is loud music okay? only when you are or have the need to be alone.

the brain looks like a cloud and mine feels like one too

i'm terrible at goodbyes. so terrible, i often don't even want to say hello.
breaking up a visit or meeting always feels so awkward and unnatural, especially when it doesn't have a real, specific ending to it.
this can actually be the sole reason why i prefer to stay alone at home an entire evening.


what the actual butt mind fuck.

and in an instance, everything changes forever.
after an incidence, nothing shall remain the same.

a different hue, a new smell, a recurring thought
how long can just a little last

being exhausted is exhausting

my therapist asked me "what about now? what if you were to go do something very social, how would you react?"
i replied "i'd desperately want and try my hardest to get back home again."

then i went to the apartment, for which i never pay rent, slept half an hour and decided to go back out again. it went horribly. i drained the energy of everyone around me by being incredibly depressed and suddenly felt the urge to kill myself. as always. wanting to cry so bad, i sort of collapsed on the floor downstairs and covered my face whilst trying to think about something else.


at least my answer was correct.

belief is everyones drug of choice

i'm bipolar and will go on a trial of medication for it in about a months time

your life is more important if you hang out with people who publish a lot of pictures on facebook

someone actually lay plans and execute the performance of strobes during concerts

the expression "too smart for your own good" exists

depressed people have a more realistic view of themselves and the world than these so-called normal ones do

more often than not people simply don't care 

and pay a lot less attention to you than commonly believed

we're a byproduct of evolution 

which also is the answer to every problem in life

we can all just go fuck ourselves 

at least, that's what i do

i care about making people believe i don't care

there's a truth that's certain. i have a lot of shitty days. so many of which spent in isolation, terrified of despair and collapse. i hide and rot. completely alone, with thoughts no one deserves to hear or be a part of.
it's therefore safer to ignore the world outside of these walls. i manage to keep calm and stay somewhat collected when i don't have to consider the well-being of others. if i were to go out when in an awful shape, the depression gets worse. ten thousand times over or more.
sadly enough, it's a well researched theory that's so close to being a fact, i might very well call it exactly that.
i shouldn't be out amongst people in an attempt to have what is considered a good time when in a completely useless mood. it's disturbing for all of us, i get a lot of awkward questions and looks, and say many an awful thing in order to maintain a distance from further destruction.
this does not make much sense at all. but the truth remains the same. i'm better off left alone. because showing off how incredibly nasty i can be serves nobody.

volume speaks titles

i really don't understand anything

noise everywhere

event horizon
it's as if a spell was carved into my bones
getting to know it doesn't seem to help
everything is lost on me
helpless little creature
beyond the badlands
shy away from the sun
wasted, hollow
nothing new to swallow
a half-wit in the pine-trees
and a lesson that's too hard to learn
pointing out the point of no return
sacred envelope
scared cutthroat
it won't melt
refuse to fuse
claws to pick your teeth clean
a dragon
with hummingbird wings

in another dimension
people ask you what kind of shit you'd prefer tomorrow,
instead of "what would you like for dinner tonight"

coming home soon
leave the beans on
coming home soon
please do the dishes for me
please do the housework
please leave no remains
of whatever impulse you had
please, squeaky clean, please
because what i need is more accepted and therefore more important
any sudden guest must not see the reality of me and us
our lives is a lie
but white is a nice touch
so we painted it all over our walls, thoughts and actions
come in come in
batter for battering
raisins for creativity
nutmeg as a secret
chopping skills
right temperature, right phrases uttered
look at our new curtains, look at our new rug
impressively platonic and idiomatic

needs, deeds and perfection
no flies
no germs
no life
nothing is nothing
nothing doesn't exist anymore
but we still feel the urge to escape it
nothingness

life is just an endless cycle of needs to satisfy


since it's always so little about what you say, but rather about how you say it, do the same means apply to music? is music how you say things? i for one hate to take music literally. i prefer to listen to how it changes me. what it awakes within. so, music, is it just a body language we respond to?
seems like a fair claim, after all. when we speak with someone on the phone, we're unable to see the persons body language, but a lot of it also comes from the voice. the tones of it. you can easily hear what state a person is in.
music is communication. music is how you say things. because it's easy to tell lies if the receiver only care about the words used. yet, they're very easily deducted if you pay attention to the body language.

oh well. as always,
i'm probably wrong.

feeling special is normal