hunch of what the hey

today i woke only to find out i wasn't freezing anymore, fell asleep during a movie and forgot to open the window so i nearly choked. that might possibly be the worst way of waking up - that feeling of an urgent need to take deep breaths and restore oxygenlevels in your body. at first, you walk around like a zombie, bumping into everything. then you feel exhausted, tired, hungry and cold, all at the same time. then finally, when you try out your tounge and cognitive skills, you realise the damage is complete. you're ruined for the next 30 mins or so, and if you survive this apocalyptic sense of being, you're the true hero.

of course, i should add that feeling sick is one of the sideeffects. horribly sick.

so, as a gentle remider - do remember to open your window if you plan to have a seriously untidy and dirty room, plan to lock the door and then stay in there for another twelve hours. it is murder.

and also. when i finnaly do move out.
i want to.
learn french and swedish.
read alot of books.
make a timeline of important historical events.
draw alot of dinosaurs and such.
learn alot about dinosaurs and such.
take pictures, establish myself as a concertphotographer.
 become a vegan?
hang a bunch of crap up on the walls.
try not to be so easily distracted.
just create and be, try to make the apartment into a workshop.
learn how to play the guitar.
(exercise and get seriously fit.)
become a musical genious, either by listening and reading alot about music in general or perhaps evolve into some kind of musician.


keep all surfaces clean.

4. If I could imagine the perfect solution to this problem what would it be? What would it look like? What would it feel like?

- i must admit, the perfect solution would be to stay busy and occupied. to have a vision, to not feel like i'm estranged and stranded, lost and foreign. to feel at ease and at home. to feel no emotional stress that lures me into selfdestructive means. the feeling i now have is dominated by a sense of uselessness. i feel dirty and i should go for a jog to cleanse my spirit and organs, but i'm not able to summon the strenght to follow through on such efforts. i'm tired of restless walking across the rooms in this house, never ever feeling at ease. always having bad guilt for things i think, do and of course, the things i do not do.
i blame myself a lot. bring myself down. for some reason/s. so many things i'd love to do/undo. i ruminate beyond sensible belief and stay in a state where i'm constantly hurting.
i live no longer in the presence. the mind is situated in either the future or the past. sometimes both, and the feeling that domintes are those of guilt.

so. first things first, i am in great need of dealing with this.
simple manners, such as going for a walk. listening to music. overcome the fear of not being good enough, the rule of perfection must cease. i must become my own scarecrow.

identify restlessness, hopelessness, despair and distress.
do. something.

planned occupation. whatever.
focus. starvationmode. simple beauty and a clear throat. breathe. stay focused. stay tuned, into the moment.
be aware, be awake. please, remind me of this.

i often get lost in my own thoughts. patterns that turn into horrible images of irrational fear i'm no longer able to separate from reality. overthinking, overanalysing. different languages and confusion. speak the oposite of what your mind is set onto.

the urge to run away. the simple solutions, the simple ways out.
unhappy and sad, it takes great effort. i'm seemingly not able to gather the willpower in order to do such immense change.

go for a walk and eat healthy - solve problems afterwards.